


North Star

by Lilypipo



Category: Daredevil (TV), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Trailer, Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) Spoilers, Canon Divergence, Canon-Typical Violence, Character Death, Codependency, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Explicit Language, F/M, Fix-It of Sorts, Hurt/Comfort, Obsessive Behavior, Overprotective, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Psychological Trauma, Season/Series 03 Spoilers, Suicidal Thoughts, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-12
Updated: 2019-04-18
Packaged: 2019-09-16 23:19:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 25,561
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16963371
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lilypipo/pseuds/Lilypipo
Summary: Julie Barnes lives and becomes Dex' north star to guide him. How will this affect his journey? AU after S3:E8 and beyond.-“Hi, Dex. What... are you doing, here?”“I had a meeting with my lawyer. The guys in the Bureau sprang for a lawyer to sue the FBI for wrongful termination. But she said it would take six months, and I just… I needed someone to talk to.” He sounded apologetic.She sighed. This was not how she had planned to spend her evening, but it was cold and Dex looked rattled. She had promised to help him… “Why don’t you come in for a cup of tea, and we can talk about it inside?”





	1. All I need

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I saw Daredevil season 3, and while I loved it, I was so sad that Julie - a good and kind person - was killed off so easily. So, my fix-it where she lives :) Canon divergence after S3:E8. However, the relationship between Dex and Julie is not healthy per say, so ye be warned. 
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't own Daredevil or the song 'All I need' from Within Temptation. All rights belong to the respective owners.

_I'm dying to catch my breath_  
_Oh why don't I ever learn?_  
_I've lost all my trust,_  
_Though I've surely tried to turn it around_

When she fished in her pocket for her keys, she suddenly heard someone behind her call out. 

“Julie! Julie, hey!” 

Dex’ voice came from 20 yards away, loud in the dark night. The owner of the voice was approaching rapidly, and she halted at her doorstep, keys in hand. They’d had a civil conversation in the coffee house, but she continued to be a little wary of him.

He noticed – of course – and stopped well before he got into her personal space. While she still did not know what to think of him, he at least made an effort to give her space, tried to make her feel safe with him. It was only half working. 

Reflecting on it, she didn’t really know why she’d said she’d help him. Perhaps it was the desperation on his face that made her heart bleed. Perhaps it was his unwavering faith in her goodness, that made her want to live up to it. Perhaps she was reaching for a reason, when there wasn’t one. It was just the right thing to do. 

“Hi, Dex. What… are you doing, here?”

“I had a meeting with my lawyer. The guys in the Bureau sprang for a lawyer to sue the FBI for wrongful termination. But she said it would take six months, and I just… I needed someone to talk to.” He sounded apologetic. 

She sighed. This was not how she had planned to spend her evening, but it was cold and Dex looked rattled. She had promised to help him… “Why don’t you come in for a cup of tea, and we can talk about it inside?” 

_Can you still see the heart of me?_  
_All my agony fades away_  
_When you hold me in your embrace_

As she turned her key in the door, she was surprised to see the light already on in the hallway. Climbing the stairs, she looked closer and noticed there were two men with painter’s equipment and plastic on the floor. Weird, her landlord hadn’t said anything about it. Then again, he wasn’t that great about maintenance, so she supposed she should be glad that they were here at all.

She walked into her own hallway, Dex following behind. “Hey. Did the landlord let you in?” 

It all happened so quickly she had no idea what was going on. She saw the stranger’s arm coming towards her head, and suddenly Dex stepped in front of her and shoved her back against the wall. She hit her head hard, and felt stars burst in front of her eyes. She slid to the floor and looked up dazedly.

From this angle, the gun in the painter’s hand was clearly visible. He was aiming for her, but before she could even process what the hell was going on, before she could duck or plead for her life, Dex shoved him hard against the far wall from her, the stranger’s hand bent back so the gun was no longer pointing at her, but at the second man. 

The second painter now charged at Dex. She wanted to scream, but as she gathered air in her lungs, somehow, Dex kicked a bucket of paint into his stomach, and he went down gasping. At the same time, he managed to pull the trigger, and the second painter fell dead to the ground. 

Now, Julie did really manage to scream. 

Neither Dex nor the first painter paid her any attention however, as they continued to struggle. She saw Dex get hit a few times, though the gun clattered to the floor. Finally, Dex managed to give his opponent a shove and he fell down the stairs. With an audible crack, the man landed and made no further sound.

Dex was halfway turned back to her, when a man in a black trench coat came running over. Her first thought was ‘thank god, help has come’ but as he neared she could tell from the look on his face that he wasn’t here to help. Yet there was no need for her to shout or notify Dex in another way, because clearly he’d heard the footsteps or saw something from the corner of his eye. In one smooth movement, he bent down, grabbed a brush off the floor and threw it with enough force that it buried in the man’s jugular. Julie could only stare in horror as the man fell forwards, nearly on top of her. 

Dex took a quick look around before kneeling down and trying to catch her eyes. “Are you okay?”

Julie however, could only look at the absolute carnage around her. Despite working at the suicide prevention line, she’d only ever seen one dead person – her grandfather, who passed away peacefully at the age of 83 – and now suddenly there were three dead people within ten feet of her. And not just dead – murdered. By Dex. 

“Julie. Hey, Julie. Look at me.” She felt more than saw his hand patting her cheek, forcing her to move her head more towards him, and tear her eyes away from the gore in front of her. 

She found her voice. “You… what… Dex, I don’t… Who…” Her eyes slipped shut as a wave of dizziness hit her. 

“No, no, Julie, don’t close your eyes.” She felt his hand on the back of her head. She only now realised it hurt – before putting together that Dex had pushed her out of the way from the gunshot. 

She wanted to thank him, but what came out of her mouth was: “You killed them… Oh god, you killed them!” 

“I did.” He sounded calm as he brushed her cheek with his hand. “They were going to kill you.” 

She felt sick to her stomach and her heart was going to beat out of her chest, even though she had only been sitting on the floor. She didn’t understand what was going on. Why on earth would anyone try to kill her? She was a waitress and a failed ballet dancer for crying out loud. 

She also didn’t know how Dex could be so calm. He just had a fight to the death and won. Shouldn’t he be in shock? She certainly felt like she was going to be. 

She went back to staring at the corpse of the man in the trench coat next to her. Blood was forming a puddle beneath his neck, and it was slowly making its way to her feet. She wanted to move, not to touch it, but somehow her legs weren’t working. 

“Julie, it’s going to be alright. I will deal with this. You wait here for a second, and then I’ll get you out of here, okay?” Without waiting for a response – which was probably smart, Julie felt like she’d throw up if she opened her mouth – Dex stood up and walked downstairs. When he came back, he was hoisting the body of the man that had fallen down the stairs. 

He dropped the man next to the other two and wrapped the plastic that was on the floor over them. She didn’t know what he was planning to do with them or anything. Shouldn’t they call the police? 

Dex was kneeling next to her again and his voice was soft. “Julie, we’re going to have to leave. I will take us someplace safe, alright?” 

Julie tried to nod and move her legs, but they still weren’t responding to her commands. 

“Come on, up you go.” Dex pulled her up and wrapped her arm over her shoulder. Instinctively, her legs supported some of her weight. He held her tight as they walked downstairs and disappeared into the night.

 _Don't tear me down for all I need_  
_Make my heart a better place_  
_Give me something I can believe_  
_Don't tear me down_  
_You've opened the door now, don't let it close_

They walked into a neat hallway, followed by an immaculately clean apartment. For a second Julie imagined it to be an FBI safe house, but the way Dex walked around showed he was familiar with the layout. This must be his home.

It looked… empty.

During their silent walk over she had time to process, to gather her thoughts. Her stomach had settled at the thought that there must have been a mistake. There was no way those three men were there to kill her. Perhaps they thought she was someone else. Or – and this was more likely – they were there for Dex, and she happened to get in the way. They should call the police, and get in touch with the FBI. They could protect Dex, and she could walk away from the whole situation. 

“Here you go, on the couch. Now I don’t think you should sleep for a while, until we can be sure you don’t have a concussion, so I will make some coffee. And you’ll want to freshen up, maybe. I can get some toiletries, and clean clothes. And something to eat-“

“Dex, stop,” Julie forced her head to focus. “I don’t know what happened, but I think we should call the FBI. We need to call for help.” 

“We can’t.” Dex sighed deeply, and moved to sit opposite her on the couch. “I am so sorry this happened to you, Julie, but there is no one in the FBI that can protect us from Fisk.”

“Fisk? The murderer you were protecting?” She didn’t understand – didn’t the FBI have him in custody? 

“…Yes. I think he’s behind all this. He’s been trying to get me to work for him. I think… he might see that you’re the only person who’d keep me out of his grasp.”

“But how…”

“He’s working to get the FBI under his control. He finds people’s pressure points and keeps pressing until they cave. Threatens family, loved ones… I know several agents have already crossed over. I almost did. Until tonight.” Anger laced Dex’ voice and face.

Julie felt her throat get tighter, and had to focus to get enough air into her lungs. Blood rushed from her head as she stood up quickly – she was done with this entire shitstorm – she had to get to the door. “I don’t want anything to do with this.”

“It’s not safe for you out there.” Dex stood up, too, and blocked her way. “They know where you live, what you look like. They won’t stop until you’re dead.” 

Her breath came faster and she felt the dizziness return. “I have to go, I have to get out-“

Through her spotted vision, she saw Dex stepping towards her. “Julie, you’re hyperventilating. You need air. Breathe.”

She tried make for the door- “I hav- I have to get out-“ But her legs would no longer support her and darkness crept up into her vision rapidly. The last thing she saw was the blurry figure of Dex stretching his arms to catch her.

 _I'm here on the edge again_  
_I wish I could let it go_  
_I know that I'm only one step away_  
_From turning it around_

Julie woke up in a soft bed, daylight streaming through the windows. She felt warm and comfortable, and her headache seemed to have disappeared. She stretched and looked around. Her shoes were on the ground next to the bed, and her body warmer was on the chair next to the window. She was still wearing all her other clothes from last night. This wasn’t her house – where was she?

And then, the memories from last night came back to her. The painters with the guns. Dex, killing them. Their talk on the couch – how Fisk was behind it all and would continue to try and kill her. How could one man bring so much wretchedness into the world?

“You’re awake.” She startled at Dex’ voice, as the bedroom door was swung open. Dex was standing with a tray of breakfast foods, and made his way to the bed. “You’ve been in an out of it during the night. I thought you must be hungry.” 

He placed the tray at the end of the bed, and took a seat on the edge. “Julie, I am sorry about last night. I couldn’t let you just head out into danger. But if you want to get away, I will help you. We can get you someplace safe, and you will never have to deal with this again.” With me, she could hear what he wasn’t saying. 

Sitting up closer to him than she’d ever done before, she could see the rings under his eyes, the grey in the hair at his temples. He looked so… forlorn. Like he was about to give up, and willing to leave everything behind. 

She might not be an FBI agent, or a powerful mob boss, but she knew how to help people that were only one step away from losing themselves.

She reached out and took his hand. “I am not going anywhere, Dex.” 

_Can you still see the heart of me?_  
_All my agony fades away_  
_When you hold me in your embrace_

After a nice breakfast – which was combined with a very uncomfortable medical examination of her head where Dex tried to give her as much space as possible while probing the back of her skull with his hands – and a shower, Julie felt much better. She was wearing some of Dex’ clothes. They were too large on her, but they were comfortable and according to Dex, made it harder to recognise her. 

Not that they’d left the apartment, but she guessed thinking tactically was just too ingrained in Dex for him to not reason like that. She’d gotten him to lay down after they’d had breakfast, when he’d confessed to staying up all night, thinking of a plan. He had wanted to tell her about it, but she’d insisted he’d sleep first. He needed it, and it would give her a chance to get freshened up and time to think.

In the shower and sitting on the couch afterwards, she’d thought the whole situation over again. While it seemed crazy that someone was after her, it made sense that Fisk would want Dex on his side. She’d seen what he had been able to do against three men – and that had been when he’d been unarmed and distracted protecting her. It also made sense for Fisk to come after her to get to Dex. From the look she’d gotten around his apartment it was clear he didn’t have many personal attachments. The picture of the people from the suicide hotline was the only one with other people on it in his house. That combined with what he’d told her in the restaurant – ‘you’re very special to me’ – it seemed like Fisk had hit a mark. 

Also, now that it had gone wrong – or just narrowly right for her – it might be true that she was all that stood in between Dex and Fisk’s corrupting influence. After all, Dex had said so – he needed her to help right himself. The question was: why?

 _Don't tear me down for all I need_  
_Make my heart a better place_  
_Give me something I can believe_

Dex walked out of the bedroom around noon. She was reading on the couch in an effort to pull her thoughts away from how her life had turned for the worse in the last 24 hours. She put the book away when Dex appeared. 

“Hi Dex. Did you get some sleep?” The dark circles under his eyes were as profound as before, but he looked slightly more at ease than over breakfast. 

“Yes. Thank you.” 

They looked at each other uncomfortably. Now that push came to shove, Julie didn’t know how to approach her question of why she was so important to Dex. He seemed to know a great deal about her – a fact that made her skin crawl – but they’d hardly been friends, even when they did work together all those years ago.

Dex, meanwhile, also didn’t seem to know how to talk to her now that his secret was out. He’d been perfectly nice in the restaurant, but now she was wondering how much of that was a front and how much of it real. When he’d stopped her during her run and they went for coffee, conversation was stilted, but he’d had his goal to convince her to stay. 

Now, they just didn’t know where to begin their conversation. 

“Dex, we need to talk.” She sat down on the couch, and motioned for him to do the same. “I promised I would help you, but I need to understand. Why do you need… help?”

Dex looked uncomfortable. “I told you, you are good. I want to be more like you.”

“Yes, you said.” She thought for a second on how to approach this topic from another angle. “Why don’t you tell me something about yourself?”

“What do you want to know?” He leaned forward, seemingly eager to talk.

“Why did you join the army? The FBI?” When he spoke about his jobs earlier, he’d said ‘they kept me on the straight and narrow.’ She wondered if he did not see that that was already performing acts of goodness.

“It was my therapist’s suggestion before she died. She said a disciplined vocation could help me deal. I couldn’t think of anything more disciplined than the army, and from there the FBI recruited me.” He leaned back into the couch – just as he’d done in the coffee shop when he’d talked about his job, she recalled. So that wasn’t the answer.

“What else did your therapist say?”

“She said my internal compass wasn’t broken. I just need a north star to guide me.”

“And that’s me?”

He smiled. “She said it could be any decent person. But yeah, it’s you.” 

She was silent for a while, processing this information. Something he’d said… “Why did you think your moral compass was broken?” 

This was the first time Dex appeared unwilling to talk to her. He had the exact same look on his face that he’d had in the restaurant, after he slipped up about her working at the hotline for three years. He shifted in his seat and fidgeted with his hands before answering in a monotone. “I grew up playing little league baseball. I was good at it. I focused my aim until I could hit the same spot on a brick wall repeatedly, carving a hole in the shape of the ball. When my coach benched me to allow my teammates field time, I rebounded the ball off a post and into the back of his head.”

Dread filled Julie’s entire body. She had asked, and she had promised to help Dex no matter what, but she wasn’t sure if she wanted to hear the rest. However, Dex took a deep breath and continued. “I was eleven when I killed him. And I wasn’t sorry. Dr. Mercer diagnosed me with ‘borderline personality disorder with possible psychopathic tendencies’.”

Julie didn’t speak – she didn’t know what to say. Dex took a long look at her and softly said: “I have tapes of the therapy sessions. I listen to them when I need to calm down or find a guide. But they’re not a substitute for the real thing.”

“For a real therapist?”

Another tender smile came to Dex’ face. “For a real north star.”

“Can I… would it be okay if I listen to some of them?” She was curious, but more than that, she wanted to understand more of the enigmatic man sitting opposite her. She couldn’t understand how he could be so calm after killing three people, but so nervous when asking her for coffee.

Again, there was no hesitation on Dex’ face when he replied “Yeah, yes, of course,” even though she’d asked for an incredibly personal disclosure, one that she was uncomfortable asking for. But she felt like she had to listen to at least some of them, to understand. She wasn’t a therapist – she didn’t know what ‘borderline personality disorder with possible psychopathic tendencies’ meant.

Dex got up and walked into the bedroom. She heard him open a closet door, and then a metallic door. He didn’t make a sound, but when he got back, his somewhat contented face had been replaced with one of anger. He was breathing hard.

“Dex, what is it? What's wrong?” No response came. She got up and stood in front of him; still nothing, though his breathing got faster, like he was working his way into a fit of rage. Only when she reached out and grabbed his underarms, did his eyes snap towards her. 

“Breathe, in and out.” As she was saying the words, she exaggerated her inhaling and exhaling. Thankfully, she could see him following her motions, as he focused on her face. His hands gripped her underarms so tightly she was sure they would bruise tomorrow, but she didn't let go. 

They stood there a few minutes, breathing slowly, until she felt he could stay calm on his own. “What's going on?”

His voice was laced with fury when he replied. “One of the tapes is missing. Someone broke into my house last night.”

 _Don't tear it down, what's left of me_  
_Make my heart a better place_

“Someone broke in to steal a tape?” She didn't ask if he lost it - he didn't seem the type of person to lose things. But that didn't mean she thought it likely that a burglar would go through all the trouble of breaking and entering, only to make off with a twenty year old tape.

“Not just someone. Fisk. Or the FBI. Or Daredevil.” She could practically see the gears in his head turning as he spoke. It took her a second to process what he was actually saying.

“Daredevil? As in the man who killed all those reporters a few nights ago?”

The uncomfortable look was back, one that she quickly came to associate with Dex not wanting to tell her something.

“Dex, I need you to be honest. I can't help you if you're not telling me what's going on.” She hesitated a second before promising, “I swear I won't judge. Just tell me.”

“He’s man who tried to stop me as I killed them.”

“Oh, god…” Only the iron grip of Dex on her arms held her tethered to the ground.

“Julie, please.” Dex looked desperate for her understanding. “Please understand, Fisk was manipulating me! He said he was the only one who could understand me! And I didn't know who I could turn to, who would understand. He said that I was just like him, that you’d never understand me, that he alone would never abandon me...” 

Because she had been angry with him, then. 

“Oh, god…” she repeated faintly. Only now did she fully realise what it meant to be Dex’ 'north star’. She could never not be available, because with his skillset and lack of moral gravity, there was no telling what he could do when listening to the wrong people.

“Are… are you angry?” Dex almost looked afraid of her. She knew immediately she had to do this right. If she messed this up, there was no going back.

A deep breath, and then: “No, Dex, I'm not mad at you. It’s good that you told me. I just need a minute to process.”

So Dex had committed mass murder. So she was helping him. He needed her help. He deserved her help. Right? Or did this make her – what was it called – an ‘accessory after the fact’, if she helped him now?

Also, even if Fisk couldn’t get to Dex anymore because she was there, who was to say he wouldn’t get some other poor soul to do his dirty work?

As she was thinking, she noticed that neither Dex nor she had let go of the other’s arms. Dex was looking at her with big, vulnerable eyes. Right then, she could see how Fisk had managed to manipulate him so easily. She was sure that, in this moment, he would do anything she asked of him. Just so he wouldn’t lose her, lose another person who he cared about. Who cared about him. 

But the question was, what to do next? However, before she could worry about that – first things first. 

“Dex, I really want you to hear me when I say this, okay?” She pulled him back to the couch, but never let go of his hands or broke eye contact. “Really understand. I will not abandon you. No matter what anyone else says, I promised to help you and I will. Even when things go wrong, or you slip up, I will be there.”

Relief flooded his features. However, she wasn’t done. “But, I want you to promise me something, too. You never abandon me. You come to me for help to make your internal compass work better, okay? Not Fisk, not anyone else who tries to get you to do things that are off centre. Alright?” 

His voice was fierce when he answered. “I promise. You won’t regret it.” And with that, their fates were tied. 

_I tried many times but nothing was real_  
_Make it fade away, don't break me down_  
_I want to believe that this is for real_  
_Save me from my fear_  
_Don't tear me down_

They decided to move to another building that afternoon. Dex explained to her that now his apartment had been compromised twice – by the burglar, and by Fisk. “It’s not safe for you here anymore, Julie. We can figure out a plan when we’ve relocated.” 

Dex had packed a bag of clothes, a blanket, all the cash he had in his safe and multiple guns and knives. She had refused to carry around a gun but to put his mind at ease she had slipped a small knife into the belt that held up his too-large pants around her waist. They’d moved to what Julie could only describe as a drug hole, somewhere in the poorer parts of Hell’s Kitchen near the docks. Dex had slipped the owner of the place a few fifty dollar bills, and he’d vacated a room for them at the back. Julie made sure not to touch anything.

They sat on the bed, discussing their strategy over the dinner Dex had picked up. “I think Daredevil is most likely to have been the burglar. It makes sense: he is after me for the Bulletin. Fisk didn’t know at the time of the burglary that I’d betray him. And besides, he didn’t need the tapes, he already knew me.”

“But how does Daredevil know who you are? You told me you were wearing his mask.” Julie countered, biting down on a falafel.

Dex appeared to mull this over as he chewed on his . “The FBI… If they watched the security tapes, they know I’ve been shutting them off to talk to Fisk. That would be enough for a smart agent to flag. It makes sense that if some agents are on Fisk’s payroll, others are on to it and trying to stop it.” 

“Okay… But why would the FBI – or someone in the FBI – be working with Daredevil? Wouldn’t they just come after you alone?” 

“Turning off the security tapes in itself isn’t enough to raise suspicion. There’s no way for the Bureau to know I was the one at the Bulletin. Only Daredevil could have found out. And Daredevil doesn’t know where I live – only the FBI knows that.” Dex sighed. “In their hatred against Fisk, it makes sense for them to team up. The enemy of my enemy, and all that.”

Dex was silent for a few more minutes. Julie focussed on her food – though she noticed Dex hadn’t been eating much. 

When he spoke again, his voice was thoughtful. “So the real question is, who in the FBI is not on Fisk’s payroll, and wants to see him go down enough to work with the real Daredevil?”

“That could be lots of people, right?” She imagined the number of people that hated a murderer like Fisk must be high, especially in a law enforcement agency. She suddenly recalled what she’d said to Dex the night in the restaurant – ‘Do you think a killer like that deserves a second chance?’ – and here she was, protecting a killer herself. But Dex had also been right that evening – she did think that everyone deserved a second chance.

“Maybe, but with the criminals he’s bringing in, there are a lot of people who profit from it, so they’re out.”

“Maybe not,” Julie disagreed as she wiped her fingers on a napkin. “When I was working at the hotline, sometimes the people calling told me that they were looking for a way out because they’d had to do things that were wrong, and they felt so guilty they couldn’t live with it anymore. It could be that an agent was working for Fisk, but changed his mind.” Like Dex had. In a way, anyway.

“So then we’re back to the long list.” Dex smiled ironically, though she was glad he didn’t reject her theory outright. Julie didn’t know anyone in the FBI or anything about the circumstances surrounding Fisk, but it was nice of Dex to take her seriously in this instance, too. She didn’t know why that surprised her – after all, he was here because he had faith in her and her beliefs. 

“Not necessarily. I think that for someone to see what’s going on, they must’ve been involved for a long time. Like you. It takes time for slowly turn wrong and then time to see it. You were involved from nearly the beginning, so it makes sense for Fisk to try and turn you. You’d been with him the longest.”

“Actually, I haven’t. That would be agent Nadeem. He’s… was my colleague and the head of the taskforce on Fisk.” Dex got up and paced the small room. “He’s got a lot riding on this deal with Fisk working out. It makes sense for him to be approached by Fisk. He’d know a lot about the detail, and has debts. But… he’s an upright guy.”

Julie put down all dinner stuffs and directed her gaze to Dex. “So, the question is, which is it.” 

Dex looked conflicted. “I don’t know. I would have to gather more facts, look into the way Fisk works further, but I can’t get close anymore.” Whether that was because it was physically impossible to get into the hotel now, or because he didn’t trust himself close to Fisk, was unclear to her. 

“Then it comes down to this, Dex. Do you trust him?”

His reply came fast. “I don’t know.” 

“What does your heart tell you? You have a moral compass, Dex. What do you feel?” She was aware she was taking a risk here. If Dex trusted this agent Nadeem and the man wasn’t trustworthy, then it could shatter his faith in people. However, Dex needed to see that he could make – hopefully correct – decisions about right and wrong, that he could discern the good people from the bad. 

“It’s hard. It’s really hard.” His voice was monotone again.

“Yes, it is,” she agreed. “But that doesn’t mean that you don’t know. I am only here to help, Dex – your internal compass is your own.”

Dex took a deep breath, and looked her in the eye. She’d give a lot to know what he was thinking at this exact moment. 

His voice was calm and centred when he spoke at last. “He’s a good person. I trust him.”

_Don't tear me down for all I need_  
_Make my heart a better place_

Julie was shivering as she entered the church. She really hoped Nadeem – and possibly Daredevil, if Nadeem had gotten a hold of him – wouldn’t keep her waiting long. 

Last night after their talk, Dex had left for a few hours to gather some of her stuff – clothes, toiletries and her passport – and probably to get rid of the bodies that lay in her hallway. She tried really hard not to think about that. 

He’d left a gun on the nightstand next to where she’d sat on the bed, ignoring her protests that no one knew they were here, that she had never even touched a gun let alone fired one. He just said he’d feel better if she had it, and she hadn’t had the heart to tell him it would probably do no good if someone came after her. 

Luckily, nothing had happened and Dex had returned after a few boring hours. They’d traded sleep, keeping watch. He’d insisted he’d be awake as soon as anything happened. True enough, when she said his name to wake him up halfway through the night, he was on his feet in seconds. He had looked at her for a few seconds, before recognition drifted into his eyes.

Her lack of sleep could explain why now, even in her own thick winter coat, she was cold. To her surprise, it wasn’t Nadeem – of whom Dex had shown her a photo – or even Daredevil that approached her. It was a nun. 

“You must be Julie,” came the soft greeting. The woman was short, and had a stern face with a contrasting friendly smile. 

“I am. I’m sorry, who are you?” 

“I’m sister Maggie. I have been asked to bring you to them. Not safe for you to meet here, so out in the open.” Sister Maggie looked around. “Isn’t your friend with you?” 

Julie wasn’t surprised that they knew Dex was also here. She’d insisted she walk in first, to make sure a fight wouldn’t break out the instant Dex showed his face to Daredevil. Nadeem had suggested this spot to meet, so the chance was low that any of Fisk’s men were here. That was the only reason Dex seemed to have agreed with the plan. Also, he’d been adamant he take a position high up, where he promised to shoot anyone who came too close. 

She decided to be honest. “He is. If you promise they won’t harm him, I’ll ask him to come over.” 

Sister Maggie regarded her, pensive, too. After a minute, she nodded. “You have my word I will do everything in my power to get to a peaceful resolution.” 

It would have to do. Julie turned and waved over to the organ, where Dex had told her he’d be. For obvious reasons, they’d decided not to use their cell phones. Sister Maggie looked at her with the hint of a smirk, but said nothing. A few minutes later, Dex had joined them. 

In silence, they walked through the back of the church and downstairs. When they got there, Julie was surprised to see not two faces she recognized, but three. Next to Daredevil and agent Nadeem stood Karen Page, whom she’d seen in the newspaper accusing Fisk and defending Daredevil. Given her relation to the Bulletin, Julie guessed it made sense for Karen to be there. 

“Hello, Dex.” Agent Nadeem’s voice was polite but detached. 

“Hello, Ray.” Dex kept his eyes on Nadeem, but Julie was sure he was acutely aware of the others' presence. “This is Julie. Julie, this is agent Ray Nadeem.”

Julie sent a smile to Ray, but before she could say anything, Karen’s urgent tones sounded loud in the small space. “It’s him. He’s the one that attacked the Bulletin. I recognize his voice.” 

As Dex’ attention moved to Karen, Julie noted Daredevil shift his weight slightly, so he was further in front of Karen. “I was. I am so, so sorry for that, Karen. I was… off centre, then. Fisk, he… He manipulated me. Julie… She’s been helping me move away from Fisk. I’m here because I want to help bring him down.”

“And how do we know you’re not still working for Fisk?” Daredevil’s voice was a baritone, much softer than Julie’d imagined. 

“Because he did the one thing that ensured I would never be on his side.” Dex’ tone got softer and his focus shifted to her for a second before looking at Daredevil again. “I need your help to keep Julie safe.”

“He’s telling the truth.” Daredevil spoke, and the other two didn’t argue. “...Let’s make a plan.”

_Don't tear me down for all I need_  
_Make my heart a better place_  
_Give me something I can believe_

In the privacy of her own mind, Julie didn’t think this plan was perfect. 

What they’d come up with in the basement of the church was that they would get a confession of Dex in front of a grand jury, stating that Fisk masterminded the whole thing. Dex, through lawyers Daredevil knew, had confessed to the murders at the Bulletin in exchange for a plea deal with the DA. He’d go to prison, but with his psychological state reported and the fact that he’d come forward voluntarily, Nelson and Murdock had gotten his sentence reduced to five years. 

It had been hard sitting in the room listening to Dex describing the details of that night, knowing there was nothing she could do now, but only thinking ‘what if I’d been available’. Dex had taken a long look at her, before he had agreed to the deal. While she didn’t like the idea of him in prison, she had to admit: he did commit these murders. And it was the only way the DA would agree to prosecuting Fisk. 

No, what Julie didn’t like was that there would be no other people allowed with Dex in the room with the jury. Not his lawyers, not her. She stood there waiting with them in the hallway, as Dex made his statement. It felt wrong. 

She had faith in Dex, that he would see this through, but he had a tendency to stumble over his words or lock up when he was feeling overwhelmed, and she didn’t know if he’d remember to breathe, and-

“Don’t worry,” came Nadeem’s voice softly from her side. “He’ll do fine.”

“He is doing fine,” Matt Murdock agreed. “You’ve done really well for him, Julie.” 

_Don't tear it down, what's left of me_  
_Make my heart a better place_  
_Make my heart a better place_

When Dex joined them in the hallway after a good hour, he looked tense but as his eyes found hers, his face relaxed. He came to stand by her side, their shoulders brushing. At the contact, tension seemed to leave him further. 

“So what happens now?” Julie asked Foggy. They talked about the process for a while, when Matt suddenly interrupted. 

“Oh, no no no.”

“Matt? What’s wrong?”

“The jurors. Fisk got to them.” A horrible feeling settled in her stomach. It felt like someone punched her – blindly, she reached out and found Dex’ hand and squeezed it tightly.

Matt turned back towards their group. “We need to leave here.”

They reconvened in a dive bar a few blocks from the court. 

“What do we do?” Nadeem’s voice was tight. 

Foggy replied, quickly. “We try again. The system will work. Tower will impanel another grand jury.” 

“You still believe that?” 

As the two lawyers argued, Julie turned to Dex. “You are quiet. What do you think, Dex?”

Dex regarded her silently for a minute. She could see him wondering how to best phrase his opinion. “I think I want to get even with Fisk, the only way he understands. We need to kill him.”

Julie felt the blood leave her face. “Dex…” 

“He deserves it, Julie.” He took her hand again. “We need to put an end to him for all the damage he’s done – before it gets worse.”

She took a deep breath. “Dex. Do you remember what you promised me? You come to me for help, to be your north star. Me, and not Fisk. Killing people without trial is what Fisk does, not us.”

Dex looked at her intently, like she was the only thing that mattered. Suddenly, she was aware of the eyes of the other three men on them, regarding their exchange silently.

Dex took a deep breath. “So what do we do?”

She didn’t know, but Matt Murdock spoke up. “For now, you need to lie low. Leave town, until we can figure out what to do.”

She nodded. While she didn’t like it, there was nothing else to do anymore. “Where can we go?”

It was Dex who answered, his eyes never leaving hers. “North.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo, I hope you liked it! I have ideas for a second chapter, focussing on the season finale from Dex' pov, please let me know if that's something you're interested in.
> 
> 'All I need' from Within Temptation: https://youtu.be/L6ViM8tKG1Q


	2. Bring me to life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AU for the S3 finale. Spoilers ahead, sorta. Also, spoilers(?) for Anna Karenina by Tolstoy. 
> 
> From Dex' POV, so not a safe headspace, per say. Also, still not a healthy relationship!
> 
> Disclaimer: I still don't own Daredevil, or the song 'Bring me to life' from Evanescence.

_How can you see into my eyes like open doors?_  
_Leading you down, into my core_  
_Where I've become so numb, without a soul_  
_My spirit's sleeping somewhere cold_  
_Until you find it there, and lead it back home_

He drove them away from the city for a couple of hours, before leaving the highway and stopping at a roadside motel, well after midnight. If it had been just him, he’d disappear into the wilderness, but he had to account for Julie.

Julie - the only reason he wasn’t losing himself in his rage, or drowning in guilt. He knew he had the tendency to lock everything out in bad situations and get lost in his head, but now he couldn't. It was both a good and a difficult thing. The words he had said in so many situations, because they were a response that was almost always accepted – ‘It’s hard. Really hard’ - rang more true now than ever. 

The motel room he checked them in was reasonably clean, and - more importantly - had only one window, next to the door. Even though no one was walking by, he closed the curtains before turning on the bedside lights. There were two single beds. He directed Julie to the one furthest from the door. 

During the ride they both had been silent, apart from a short discussion on the plan and its logistics. Dex felt the weight of what he'd done press on his shoulders. Not only had he dragged Julie into his mess, he had disappointed her suggesting a violent way of dealing with the situation. He was supposed to learn from her - and here he was, making the same mistakes. He felt the shame swallow him whole.

As Julie stepped out of the bathroom, in flannel pants and too-large t-shirt – thankfully the bags they’d packed to the hide out had been in the car when they’d left the city – conversation could no longer be postponed. He took a deep breath - that at least, he had learned from her. “Julie… I need to apologise.”

She looked at him, with a fatigued look in her big, trusting eyes. “What for?”

Self-hatred rose in his chest. He had ruined her life and yet here she was asking what he needed to apologise for. “I failed you. I wanted to kill Fisk this morning. I still want to.”

To his surprise, Julie briefly produced a faint smile on her face, before sighing. “Dex, how do you think I feel?”

He thought about it for a minute. Studying her, he saw the tension in her shoulders, the downwards turn of her lips. “I think you’re upset. Angry.”

“With you?”

Obviously. “Yes.”

“I am angry. But not with you, Dex. I am angry with the situation, with Fisk. You didn't fail me. Being angry is fine. Feelings are nothing to be ashamed about. But how you act on those feelings, that's what’s important.”

Relief coursed through his body, almost as a physical force. Yet as he processed her words, confusion followed. He felt inadequate, frustrated. “When I get angry, I hurt people.”

Julie's voice remained kind. “Emotions aren't good or bad, and suppressing them can do more harm than good. Allow them to be there, but channel those emotions into healthy, good action. So if you’re angry, scream, go for a jog, talk about it. It's how you process your feelings, what you do in the end, that defines you.”

“I want to be good.” Like her.

“Then choose to do good things from your emotions. You chose to save me, to keep me safe. You're doing so well, already.”

Pride swelled in his chest. He felt warm, contented. “Thank you, for understanding.”

A real but tired smile this time, before she laid down on the bed, her voice soft. “Of course. If I were you, I’d want him dead, too.”

_Wake me up inside_  
_Wake me up inside_  
_Call my name and save me from the dark_  
_Bid my blood to run_  
_Before I come undone_  
_Save me from the nothing I've become_

After two days in the motel, Dex was on edge. He wanted to take action. He wanted to do something to useful. He wanted to move on Fisk. But they had agreed with Nadeem and Murdock – or the real Daredevil, as Dex had figured out the moment he’d met the man in his lawyer suit – that they’d wait until they were contacted. So there wasn’t much to do. He’d gone running in the woods behind the motel once a day – as per Julie’s suggestion to deal with his anger – but every time he left her alone in the motel, he felt tense. 

This was new. While he had always looked up to her, had wanted to be more like her, he hadn’t had any trouble separating his own life from hers, before. It had been just his routine – work and then follow Julie in his free time, usually at night. Now, she was actually reacting off of him – and only him – and he found he liked it.

The first time he’d made her laugh – not counting the time in the coffee shop – the whole room lit up with her smile. He’d made some dumb joke about laundry, and she just laughed before turning back to her book. He wanted to make her laugh more often, his stomach feeling strange every time he succeeded.

He didn’t know when it happened, but she was so much more relaxed around him than before. Despite being cooped up here with him, she smiled more, eyes shining. Dex found he was unable to look away now more than ever.

On the evening of their second full day in the motel, Julie was lying on her bed, her head at the foot end, reading the last book the woman at the reception had been able to loan to them, after she had devoured the other two. On its cover was a bare chested man in front of a beach sunset - it looked like utter trash to Dex, but Julie seemed engrossed. Every few minutes, she commented to herself on the events in the book.

“Oh my god, Jean-Claude, what…” came her angry mutter as she turned a page. “Are you a lifeguard or not?”

“Is it a good book?” Dex had positioned himself next to the window, turning the chair so he could see out the window, was close to the door, and look Julie lying on the bed. He had to admit to himself that he was far more fascinated by what was happening inside the room than outside.

Julie looked up. “No, but it's so bad it's good? If that makes any sense.”

It didn’t. “Sure.” He went back to looking out the window. So bad it’s good - that almost sounded like it could apply to himself. A wry, unbidden smile made its way to his face.

“What’s your favourite book, then?” Julie had closed her book and looked at him curiously.

“I don’t have one.” An uncomfortable feeling rose in his stomach. Did other people always have a favourite book? He had read books that he’d liked, but not one had stood out as one he could relate to.

She bit her lip, and his eyes briefly flicked to her mouth. “When we get back to New York, you can borrow mine, if you want. See if you like it?”

“Sounds good. Which is it?” It could be the worst book ever, Dex knew he would still read it to make her happy.

“Anna Karenina. It’s just so tragic. I saw a play based on the book when I was sixteen - never let me go. My mom says that’s why I ended up at the hotline.”

“Someone commits suicide in the book?” Dex hadn’t read it, but felt curious about this influence in Julie’s life. 

“Hmm. Anna Karenina does. She jumps in front of a train, and only after she jumped does she realise that she made a mistake.” Julie sounded sad. 

Dex marvelled again at her seemingly endless empathy - it even extended to fictional characters. “What would you have said to her, if she had been on the other side of the line?”

“The story takes place in Imperial Russia in the 19th century.” 

Dex was amused by the indignation on Julie’s face. “Humour me.”

“Alright.” Julie sat up into a cross-legged position, appearing to think his question over. “Well… I would ask her why she wants to kill herself. You learn in the book that here are many reasons why she does it. But the main reason is that Anna believes there is no escape from her frustration and unhappiness with the way her life has progressed. I wish I could have let her know that there's so many other options. There’s always a solution, if you just reach out.”

“Only if there are people who catch you when you do,” Dex replied softly. He had a feeling he might be able to relate to this Anna Karenina after all.

Julie seemed to realise he wasn’t talking about the book any more. “That’s why we’re here, Dex. I catch you and you catch me. We don’t abandon each other, remember?”

Julie’s face was fierce, her eyes alive and a blush on her cheeks. She looked ready for battle, he thought. And it was at that exact moment, that Dex realised that he had been wrong before. Somehow, he was totally and completely in love with Julie Barnes.

_Now that I know what I'm without_  
_You can't just leave me_  
_Breathe into me and make me real_  
_Bring me to life_

Dex was plagued by nightmares for two nights after. Julie, finding out – Julie, thinking he lied to her when he claimed he wasn’t into her – Julie, hating him. After he’d startled awake in the dead of night for the second night in a row, and saw Julie’s sleeping form not six feet away from his bed, he kept thinking about this new revelation. 

He could honestly say he didn’t like it. They had discussed earlier that his emotions were neither good nor bad, but their application was what defined him. But the question was, how could he express this emotion? Every time he looked at her now, his gaze felt… intrusive. No longer did he have the excuse of only learning from her. No, now he was looking because he wanted to. Like a stalker. Yet, even knowing this, he found it hard to look away.

It wasn’t that he didn’t enjoy spending time with Julie – on the contrary, that was the one thing he liked more than anything. Even though he had spent many years following her, imitating her, it was different actually spending time with her. There were so many things he never knew. 

After their conversation on her favourite book, they spent much of the third day exchanging favourites. Her favourite animal was actually a dog. While he had known she didn’t have a dog, now he knew she had always wanted one, but felt bad keeping it in her apartment without a garden. Her favourite person in her family was her grandmother. She told him that her grandmother played a big role in shaping her – Julie explained that her nana had always said that everyone should share the gifts they had gotten. For Julie, her nana claimed, that was her compassion. It was another reason she went to work at the hotline. 

Dex could share favourite events from his time in the army, favourite places he’d been, people he’d met. Julie seemed genuinely interested, and he was glad to share – it made him feel like he was as much a part of her life as she was of his. And he had fallen even further – both hating and welcoming the feeling.

When his phone rang early on the fourth day in the motel, he was glad at the distraction. He took a look at the caller id and greeted, “Murdock.”

Daredevil’s voice was barely audible through the street noise – a fire truck, traffic, wind. He must be standing somewhere high up. Given his tendency to stick to roof buildings, it wasn’t a stretch. How it exactly worked with him being blind – Dex was convinced that wasn’t an act – he didn’t know, but it also wasn’t his concern right now. “Dex. We know what Fisk’s planning.”

A grim feeling settled in his chest. “Finally. How?”

“We got to Felix Manning. He told us that Fisk is getting married tonight in front of an audience, to position himself as Kingpin once and for all.”

Dex opened his mouth to reply – but was distracted as Julie walked out of the bathroom. She was fully dressed except her bare feet, and he could see the water drops fall from her hair onto her blouse as she dried it with a towel. She looked at him questioningly, and he smiled. The slight worry that had appeared on her face faded, and-

“Poindexter, you there?” Came Murdock’s gruff voice.

Dex forced himself to turn away and look out the window, before he replied. “Yeah. Why are you calling me?” 

“Because Manning told us something else as well. Vanessa – Fisk’s partner – has become involved in his business. She convinced Fisk that your testimony was a threat even though it was sealed, and has ordered the FBI to hunt down you, and anyone you know.” 

Dex froze. “You mean…”

“Yes, Julie is at risk. Fisk won’t stop coming after you.”

“When I find him…” Anger coursed through him, his blood boiling. Murdock was talking, but he couldn’t hear a word, only the loud buzzing in his ears. Behind him, he felt more than heard Julie walk over. When he turned, she was standing right in front of him. Without a word, she inhaled deeply, and then exhaled. Almost without meaning to, he followed her motions – feeling his focus return.

He interrupted Murdock’s rant on how they shouldn’t kill Fisk, that prison is the only way, that they shouldn’t lose who they are, with a brusque: “What are we going to do?” 

Silence for a beat on the other end of the line. “The plan is that we strike during the wedding, when all accomplices are present. Nadeem has found a couple of FBI agents that are not corrupted, and Foggy has managed to marshal some police. Together we hopefully have enough force to round everyone up.”

“How does this concern us?” From his description, it sounded like Murdock would be walking into heavy fire. Despite his blood singing for violence against Fisk, he’d prefer that Julie – and thus he – would stay away until all it was well over.

He looked again back to Julie, who was standing less than a foot away from him, still breathing with him. Suddenly overcome by the need to touch her, he stretched out the hand not holding the phone, and tucked a wet strand of hair behind her ear before stroking her cheek with his thumb. She closed her eyes at the contact and he revelled in the level of trust she was displaying.

“That’s another problem we have. Manning has also confessed that they knew roughly where you are. They found footage of you stealing the car and traced you north. They don’t know exactly where you are, but the FBI has gone large. They’ve started a manhunt.”

Obviously being able to hear at least parts of Murdock’s statement, Julie’s eyes flew open. Fear filled them. The need to protect her coursed through him. It was as much to her as Murdock that he grounded out, “Then we leave here immediately. We come back to New York, and I help you take down Fisk. This time, we will win.”

At the same time that he saw Julie's eyes harden and she gave a sharp nod, he heard Murdock lament, “I think that's our best option, yes.”

“We’ll be there in five hours. See you at the church.” He hung up and put the burner phone back in his pocket. Ruthlessly shoving any emotions he felt down - there were so many conflicting ones, he couldn't even identify them all – he forced himself to stay focussed. Julie needed him. He couldn’t lose his head now. He should just treat this as another SWAT FBI job – get in, take down the hostiles, and get out. And then afterwards, dinner with her.

_Wake me up inside_  
_Wake me up inside_  
_Call my name and save me from the dark_  
_Bid my blood to run_  
_Before I come undone_  
_Save me from the nothing I've become_

Dex was torn between wanting to leave this motel fast, and prolonging the new closeness – both literally and figuratively – he’d gotten there with Julie. But he knew they needed to move quickly. The FBI could work efficiently when they wanted – and with Fisk threatening them, they had the incentive. He removed his hand from her face, though he didn’t step away. “Pack your things, we leave in five minutes.” 

To his surprise, Julie didn’t move. Instead, she looked up at him again. She was standing so close, if he leaned forward just a bit, their lips would touch. “Dex, I need to talk to you about something. It’s important.”

He stayed silent and waited. 

She bit her lip, visibly struggling at how to start this conversation. “I know you and Daredevil are heading into a dangerous situation. And I would never ask you not to do everything necessary to make it home. But I want… I need to know that you won’t… You’ve been doing so well, Dex. I just want to make sure you don’t lose all the stride you’ve made.”

“You’re afraid I will kill Fisk.” He ground out. Dex forced himself to remain impassive – this was not disloyalty. This was concern. It had to be – Julie wouldn’t do that to him.

“I’m afraid you will kill him for the wrong reasons.” Her voice had a pleading ring to it. 

Now, he was at a loss. “I don’t understand.”

“I know you killed people before, Dex. I mean, I was there.” A sigh and a short silence, before: “Do you remember when we spoke about using talents for the good of mankind?” 

Of course he did – he remembered everything she said to him. He nodded. 

“You used yours for good with the army, at the FBI, to save lives. You used them to save my life.”

Dex clenched his fists – she wasn’t asking him to choose between her and Fisk, surely. “If I can only keep you safe by killing Fisk, I will. No choice.”

“And if that’s why you do it, Dex – to keep others safe – I will understand. I won’t even be upset. But if you use your talent for another goal – to get revenge, or retaliation – that’s something I’m not okay with.”

“I don’t see how that matters – he’s dead either way. I kill him or I don’t.” Dex argued, frustrated still. Dr. Mercer had warned him away from taking a life – ‘We never hasten death with violence’ – something that he had ignored after her death when he joined the army. She had evidently believed all killing was bad. 

“Yes. But that’s not the point. It’s about your motive. Either you use your talent to help people, or you do it for selfish reasons.” He was intrigued at Julie’s nuanced outlook, but anger brewed in his chest, too.

“You said that if you were me, you’d want him dead, too. Fuck, if I were you, I’d want him dead. He tried to have you killed!” Dex was really angry, now.

“And I do, Dex!” Julie’s voice was laced with anger, now, too. “I think the world would be a better place without him. But you can’t kill everyone you don’t like, just because you want to.”

His voice was rough when he slipped out without thinking: “I could. For you.” 

_Bring me to life_  
_Bring me to life_

Immediately, he knew that was the wrong thing to have said – Julie went pale and stepped backwards, away from him. 

“Oh, god…” She sank to the bed with a thud – as if her legs could no longer support her. He had seen this before, when she had fainted in his house, after the painters had tried to kill her. All his anger was forgotten, instantly replaced by a worried tension in his stomach. He kneeled in front of her, trying to catch her eyes.

She closed them, as if trying to put a barrier between them. “You can’t say things like that, Dex.” 

He had to make it right – she couldn’t leave him. “I’m sorry.”

She huffed. “Why are you sorry?” 

“I upset you.” He had to know: “Are you alright?” 

She opened her eyes and looked at him. “I’m fine. I just… I guess it’s my fault. Should have watched my mouth.” 

“It’s not your fault.” While he wasn’t sure what she meant, he knew that. “Julie. Just tell me what I can do. I will do anything I can to protect you. To make you happy.” 

“I know, Dex. And that scares me.” She took a deep breath. “It’s just harder than I thought, being your north star. It makes me… unsteady.”

“What can I do?” He repeated. The tension in his stomach had become unbearable – he needed to do something to make it better.

She was quiet for a minute, before her shoulders caved in even further and her head slumped – a classic picture of defeat. It brought her face closer to his. “Just don’t kill Fisk unless you have to.”

“I… promise.” He was silent for a moment, too. It made him angry that he couldn’t understand why she thought whatever he said was her fault. He was the one failing to understand her guidance. It only showed – he needed her. It was the one thing he was certain of: there was no way for him to live a good life in a world without her.

His hand found its way back to her cheek, and his voice was rough and dark when he spoke again, his eyes never leaving hers. “But Julie, you should know. I will kill everyone that could harm us, before I let anything happen to you.”

Instead of waiting for a reply, he tilted his chin up and his lips brushed hers for a second, before breaking the contact by a hair’s breadth. When she didn’t pull away, he kissed her softly, again and again – his heart lighter than it had ever been before.

_Frozen inside, without your touch_  
_Without your love, darling_  
_Only you are my life_  
_Among the dead_

When they arrived at the church in Hell’s Kitchen, Dex took a cautious look around before exiting the car. The parking lot was filled with children exiting the nearby school, and their parents coming to pick them up. It made for good cover. He walked around the car to open the door for Julie – he had requested she didn’t exit their newly stolen vehicle until he was sure it was safe. 

With a baseball cap over her eyes, it was impossible to read her emotions. They hadn’t touched again or spoke much after their kiss, but it had been present at the forefront of both their minds, he was sure. He was thrilled she hadn’t pushed him away, but rather had allowed him to kiss her and breathe the same air for a while after. It had cost him much to tear away and whisper that they should leave the motel. 

Relieved that they made it into the church without difficulty, he steered them directly to the basement – his hand hovering over the small of her back, but taking care not to touch. Waiting for them, stood Murdock in his Daredevil costume – now with rope bound over his fists – Nadeem, Nelson, Page, Sister Maggie, and a police officer he didn’t know. 

“Poindexter, Ms. Barnes.” Daredevil greeted. “Glad that you’ve made it back alright.” 

Nadeem interrupted, clearly impatient. “We don’t have much time. The wedding takes place in about two hours, and we will want to strike right then, before any of his accomplices leave. However, that also means we have to take out not only Fisk and his bodyguards, but those of other mob members, too. The priority is Fisk and Vanessa Marianna. We need her as leverage against him, and we can get to her through the testimony of Felix Manning. Manning is currently in custody of the NYPD, in a safe location. Any questions?” 

“Where do we keep – our non-combatants?” Dex corrected himself just in time to avoid naming only Julie – in the privacy of his own mind, he didn’t give a fig about Page and Nelson, but that was better left unsaid. 

“They will stay here.” Daredevil answered. “Sister Maggie and father Lantom will keep them safe.” 

Dex wasn’t too happy with that solution – he didn’t see how a nun and priest would be any protection – but there was nothing for it. They hadn’t anyone to spare. They spent the next hour discussing the lay out of the hotel, the penthouse, various entry- and exit points and the hidden observation room Fisk had connected to his bedroom. They decided that that was their entry point – they need to cut surveillance before they went in, otherwise they’d be sitting ducks. 

When it was time to go, Daredevil took him aside. Dex prepared himself for the ‘no-killing’ speech, but it didn’t come. Instead, Murdock handed him the red Daredevil suit. His voice was hard. “Tonight, we make the bastard pay. He thinks he’s getting a happily ever after – he doesn’t deserve one. He will rot in jail for the rest of his life.”

Dressing in one of the alcoves, he felt his mind settling into combat mode. Little else mattered except the job. The thrill of violence came into his veins like a fire – there was nothing quite like it. He could hear Murdock say his farewells to Page and Nelson, and Nadeem and officer Mahony speaking over the radio instructing FBI and NYPD respectively. Looking up, he could see Julie standing in front of him. 

A watery smile played on her lips. “You look… frightening.”

Anguish filled him. He never wanted to scare her. “Sorry.”

“No, don’t be. Scary is good, in this case.” She stepped closer, her hand reaching out and touching the only part of his face that was left clear by the mask – his jaw. Somehow, the fire in his veins receded, and a more pure light spread from his heart. It was the second time she had initiated physical contact between them, and it meant so much that she did it now that he was in his deadly persona. 

She used her hand to guide him down, as she stood on her toes. An impossibly soft kiss landed on the side of his mouth – so soft he had to take a moment to convince himself it had even been there. “You remember your promise to me, Dex.” 

At first, he thought she meant the promise he made in the motel – that he wouldn’t kill Fisk. But then his mind took him back further, where he had made the one promise she had actively asked of him – to never abandon her. “I will,” he vowed. 

With one last lingering look, he followed Murdock, Nadeem and Mahony out of the basement, back into the fire.

_I've been sleeping a thousand years it seems_  
_Got to open my eyes to everything_  
_Don't let me die here_  
_Bring me to life_

They made their way over to the alley next to hotel without trouble, where they rendezvoused with four FBI agents - three of whom Dex knew by name, one whose face was familiar - and eleven NYPD officers. Dex would like to think that they outnumbered Fisk's force, but he knew better. 

Nadeem made a short speech on their mission, but Dex tuned him out. It didn’t matter, anyway. All that mattered was removing the threat, and the fire in his blood.

Breaking into the hotel and getting up the stairs was relatively easy, knocking unconscious the people they met. Both he and Nadeem knew the security protocols the FBI had put in place, and Murdock seemed to sense people coming around corners. It was only when they entered the monitoring room that one of their own – an NYPD officer – was shot down. 

Anger filled him. Dex drew one of the knives he had in his belt and made to throw. Murdock - again with his eerie sense - called out his name in warning. With a flick of his wrist Dex adjusted his aim and threw the knife into the shooter’s kidney. He went down screaming. Feeling Murdock’s disapproval, he ground out, “He’ll live.” Probably.

They tracked back and split up in three teams, each taking an entrance to the ballroom. As they broke through the doors – the NYPD officers shouting for everyone to get down on the floor – Dex’ eyes sought out Fisk. He was standing in the middle of the room, dressed in a white suit. Next to him was a woman he recognised as Vanessa from the picture Nadeem had shown. 

For a moment their eyes met, before Fisk turned and ran, dragging Vanessa with him.

As one, Dex and Murdock moved away from the crowd – leaving them to their team – and set after the couple in pursuit. Dex tore through three FBI agents - including Hattley - who tried to get in his way, but was sure to leave them breathing. 

Even through the doors he could hear Fisk urging Vanessa to run, while he would hold them off. He forced himself to run faster - Vanessa couldn’t get away. She was the one that had set the FBI after Julie.

They burst into the living room as Vanessa made her way up the stairs, evidently trying to get to the hidden passage in the bedroom. Dex could see Murdock move on Fisk, so he grabbed a vase off a table and threw it hard. It shattered the glass panel of the stairs in front of Vanessa, and she halted. 

“Get back down. On your knees.” Dex felt a grim satisfaction. This went easier than he had thought – way easier. He walked over as she walked descended. However, the moment Vanessa went to her knees, a little awkward in her wedding dress, Fisk let out a guttural scream on the other side of the room. Dex turned just in time to see him charge at Murdock, who tried to block, but was no match for an enraged, desensitised Fisk. 

Fisk picked Murdock up like it was nothing, and despite Murdock attempting to struggle free, Fisk held him horizontally and began running for the door. No, not the door – the wall next to it. Dex had only milliseconds to decide – either Murdock’s life or Fisk’s. 

He took out his last knife, aimed and threw. 

_Wake me up inside_  
_Wake me up inside_  
_Call my name and save me from the dark_  
_Bid my blood to run_  
_Before I come undone_  
_Save me from the nothing I've become_

The knife buried itself up to the hilt into Fisk’s temple. 

Vanessa’s scream pierced his ears as Fisk staggered forward a step – carried by his own momentum, by Murdock’s weight – before crumpling to his knees and falling forward. Murdock instantly twisted himself free, and the additional tug caused Fisk’s body to fall face first on the floor. 

“No… No!” Murdock rounded on Dex – standing threateningly close to him. “What did you do!”

“I saved your life.” Dex knew that he was right – that he had done the right thing saving Daredevil. Julie had said so herself – he had used his talent to save lives, that was good.

In the background, he could see Vanessa making her way over to Fisk’s body. She knelt down, soaking her dress in red. Her hands touched his face, and then her own – smearing blood all over her. “Please, Wilson… I only wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. Today was the happiest day of my life…” He heard her wail softly. For a second he was sympathetic – how would he feel if it was Julie… But his attention stayed focussed on Murdock, who continued to scream in front of him.

“He had to rot for the rest of his life in a cage!” Murdock raged. “He did not get to destroy me!” 

“He was going to kill you! Would you rather I let you die than him? I don’t abandon my team!” Hate washed through him – this was disloyalty. Murdock betrayed him over Fisk.

“You are both dead.” The soft, cold voice of the woman on the floor stopped them both in their tracks. Her face was smeared with blood and she looked half deranged. “For this, I will destroy you both. You will suffer as I do. Page, Nelson, Barnes – they will die in front of you!” 

The fire in his veins turned to a blaze. “If you hurt her…” 

Vanessa’s eyes, filled with hatred, turned on him. “I will never stop hunting Julie Barnes. I will tell the world who you really are – the murderer of the Bulletin.” 

“Stop saying her name!” Dex lost himself in hot fury. He grabbed the closest thing to him – a golden bowl – and threw it with all his force. 

A tray flew by and blocked it before it made contact. “Dex! She wants us to kill her!” 

“I don’t care!” She threatened Julie – she had to die. He closed the distance between him and the mission, only to find his way blocked by Daredevil. He could see his lips moving, pleading with him, but buzzing filled his ears, drowning out all other sound. 

He clenched his fist and swiped at Murdock, but was blocked by a kick. Staggering back, he saw crystals from the chandelier that had fallen down. Grabbing a couple, he threw them – first at Vanessa, and when Murdock blocked them, at Murdock himself. He was blocked by two improvised batons, with which Murdock hit him and threw him through the window onto the balcony. Outside, Murdock seemed overwhelmed with the increase of sounds and Dex was able to land a few punches – but he knew that in a prolonged fist fight, he was no match for Murdock. 

Dex ducked, grabbed Murdock around the waist and threw him back through another window, into the room. Vanessa hadn’t moved far, and he grabbed shards of glass. Just before he could aim however, Murdock kicked him down into a chair, forcing the air from his lungs. From this upside down position, he could clearly see Vanessa standing over him. 

Ignoring his hurt body, he got up to pursue her – but was blocked by Murdock’s fists – over and over again. His head was snapped from side to side, his senses losing sharpness. The last thing he saw before everything turned black, was Nadeem running in to stop Murdock killing him.

_Bring me to life_  
_Bring me to life_  
_Bring me to life_

Before he even opened his eyes, he could hear Julie’s angry voice hurling abuse at Murdock. “-could you do this after he saved your life! You blame him for killing Fisk to save you, and yet you nearly do the same to him?!” 

“Julie…” Dex’ voice was raw and his throat hurt, even when he spoke softly. 

“Dex!” He saw Julie’s blurry form appear over him, before blinking into focus. She sat on the edge of the cot he was lying on, and grabbed his hand. As much as he wanted to look only at her – he had to get a feel for his surroundings. For threats. 

Behind Julie, he saw Murdock, hands bloody and head down. Page and Nelson flanked him, and sister Maggie was over at the tap filling a bowl with water. Looking up at the low ceiling and angel statues, he realised he must be back at the church basement. 

Julie’s voice drew his attention back to her. “How are you feeling?” 

He took a moment to get a feel for his body. He could move all his extremities, though he could feel tender bruises covering him. His head hurt most – but after the beating he had received, that wasn’t unexpected. “I’m doing fine. What happened?” 

Murdock spoke up, his voice low. “I carried you back here after… Mahony’s team arrested Vanessa, most high-level mob members in attendance and the corrupt FBI officers.” 

Dex attempted to sit up, but was pushed back by Julie. “Lay still for now, Dex. Your helmet protected you from most damage, but you were beat up pretty bad.” That last part laced with venom, and clearly aimed at Murdock. 

But Dex had bigger concerns. He forced himself to look into her eyes, as much as he wanted to hide in shame. “Julie… Vanessa, when she threatened you, I…”

“Shhh. It’s alright, Dex.” Julie murmured. “The only important thing now is that you’re alright.” 

Nelson piped up, voice placating as ever. “Brett got in touch – he says that Vanessa has agreed to keep silent about your identities and her knowledge on the activities you both committed as Daredevils, in exchange for immunity from prosecution for aiding and abetting Fisk, and for ordering the FBI manhunt on Poindexter. This way, the NYPD gets credit for the bust, and the FBI won’t have a public scandal on their hands.” 

Julie seemed to accept this, but Dex wasn’t convinced. “And what of the threats she made against Julie?” If Vanessa didn’t go to prison, there was nothing stopping her from carrying them out. 

Murdock sighed. “There is nothing we can do about that at the moment. The only thing is that Tower has agreed to postpone the hearing for your sentencing, Poindexter, as they’ve given priority to the mob convictions that are now piling in.”

Despite his hatred for the man, Dex recognised the service he had done him as his lawyer – as long as he was out of prison, he could protect Julie himself. 

“Alright, everyone, out. Agent Poindexter needs medical attention.” Sister Maggie’s voice was stern as she walked over with the bowl. 

Page and Nelson filed out without another word, but Murdock lingered. “I am sorry for what happened, Poindexter. For how far I went in my rage.”

Dex turned his head to him. From the cot he was lying on, Murdock loomed over him like a shadow – it made it easier to see him for the threat he was. “You betrayed me – I won’t forget it.” 

It was only when Julie got up to leave, that he looked back to her. He squeezed her hand, “Please, stay with me.” 

“I’ll leave this here with you, then?” Sister Maggie addressed Julie as she pointed to the bowl she placed next to the cot. “Call us if there are cuts that need to be stitched up.” And with that, she grabbed Murdock by the elbow and left the room. 

Julie helped Dex sit up and out of his shirt. She gently wiped him down with the cloth from the bowl, revealing that though he was bruised, there weren’t any serious injuries. She was silent as she worked – Dex didn’t know what to say, either. When she was done, she exhaled and placed a hand on his chest. “What will we do now…?” 

“I don’t know. Whatever you want.” Dex’ voice was breathy – it affected him more than he dared let on that she was touching him.

“I want us to be safe, Dex. I want to go have a coffee with you without a threat hanging over us.” She smiled. “I want to kiss you.” 

Dex could feel his heart getting lighter again. He reached out and placed his hand on her cheek. “I will keep you safe, I promise. We will deal with whatever comes when it does.” 

She moved down and he kissed her – feeling more alive than he had in his whole life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaand that was S3! I really hoped you liked it - please leave a comment to tell me what you think. 
> 
> Despite my intention to stop here, I already have ideas for a third chapter dealing with the events from Avengers: Infinity War from Dex' POV. Because who doesn't love a good cinematic universe tie in? :) So more is coming.
> 
> Bring me to Life by Evanescence: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3YxaaGgTQYM


	3. Final masquerade

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here we have the events from Avengers: Infinity War from Dex' POV. Spoilers ahead for A:IW! 
> 
> It deals with some pretty traumatic events, so absolutely not a safe headspace: obsessive behaviour, codependency, and other unhealthy coping mechanisms. Read at your own discretion.
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't own A:IW, Daredevil or the song 'Final masquerade' from Linkin Park.

_Tearing me apart_  
_With words you wouldn't say_  
_Suddenly tomorrow's_  
_Moment washed away_  
_'Cause I don't have a reason_  
_And you don't have the time_  
_We both keep on waiting_  
_For something we won't find_

In weeks after Fisk’s death, his life settled back into a pattern. Ray Nadeem was promoted to Special Agent in charge – and one of his first actions had been to reinstate Dex into the FBI SWAT, at least until his trial. He had claimed that they couldn’t lose the manpower – but also that, after everything he’d been through, he needed people he trusted with him. Dex felt honoured to be one of them –Nadeem was also on his own short list, so it fit quite well. The condition for his return had been that he’d see the department’s therapist, however. Dex didn’t like that very much, but when he’d discussed it with Julie, she thought it was a good idea. 

“I am not saying I don’t want to be your north star anymore, Dex, but I am hardly an objective listener.” She had explained as they were lying on his bed. They hadn’t gone any further than what Julie called third base – she wanted to take it slow – but Dex enjoyed their intimacy immensely. He loved that he could wrap his arms around her, loved how every time he touched her a white, soothing light lit up within him. It was unlike any fire violence brought, but just as addictive. 

So he had met with the therapist, though the man was quite useless in his opinion. He didn’t tell him anything he didn’t tell Julie – and the man was less competent in seeing through his monotone, rehearsed answers. His conviction that he needed Julie as his guiding light had only grown in the last few weeks. 

When he stepped into his house on Saturday morning after his usual run along the FDR drive – even though Julie wasn’t running this morning, he’d become attached – he felt relaxed. Under the shower he noted that the deep bruising Murdock had given him had finally disappeared. It had been so heavy it had lasted longer than the normal two weeks, rather closer to four, now that he thought about it. 

After dressing quickly in casual jeans and a button up with a light sweater – strapping his badge and gun to his belt just in case – he made his way over to the coffee shop where Julie now worked. For obvious reasons, she had quit at the hotel, and her friend Richie had been able to get her a job at the coffee shop. Dex had considered for a second getting jealous – but then forced that emotion away. Julie wouldn’t approve.

Instead, he made sure to stop by whenever he could – which was often. The coffee shop wasn’t too far from the FBI office so it was where he took his lunch now, and additionally anytime he was off the clock and she was on, he came by. By now, he could greet all of her colleagues by name. “Good morning, Hannah. A small decaf, please.” 

He looked around, but didn’t see Julie. Hannah could see his inquisitive stare as she handed him his coffee. “Here you go. Julie’s just in the shop across the street – we ran out of cinnamon for our rolls. She’ll be back in five minutes.” 

Dex took a seat at a table that left his back to the wall, but allowed a free line of sight to the door. He took out his copy of War and Peace – having finished Anna Karenina two days ago. He had just taken his first sip and read the first paragraph when he heard it. It was a low whirring noise, pulsating through the air. Looking up, he could see a lot of people outside pointing at the sky and a few running the opposite direction. He stood up so quickly his chair fell backwards, but by the time it landed, he was already out the door. 

When he saw it, he had to take a deep breath to keep the nauseating twinge of horror at bay. An enormous spaceship shaped like a ring hovered high over lower Manhattan.

_The light on the horizon_  
_Was brighter yesterday_  
_Shadows floating over_  
_Skies begin to fade_  
_You said it was forever_  
_But then it slipped away_  
_Standing at the end of_  
_The final masquerade_  
_The final masquerade_

For half a second he felt dunked under water – breathe, he needed to breathe – before snapping into action. He ran to ‘the shop across the street’, all the while bellowing at people who were staring and pointing that they needed to get inside and barricade the doors. When he got into the shop, he could see Julie standing in line, chatting with a lady behind her. Clearly, she hadn’t noticed yet. He walked over, grabbed her hand and pulled her outside. 

“Dex! What are you doing?” He heard Julie’s surprised yelp, but for once ignored her and just made his way outside and down the street. He was pleased to see most people had taken his directions and were making their way inside – though there were some still standing and filming. He couldn’t worry about them anymore, however. When Julie saw the spaceship, she stumbled and stared in shock. “Oh my god!” 

He wrapped his arm around her waist and drew her along. “Come on, we can’t stay here.” Even though the ship was multiple blocks away, Dex wasn’t taking any chances. Even from here, he could see the destruction it brought to the buildings beneath it. He didn’t know if more would come or how far the aliens could travel. The last time aliens had invaded New York, he had been at the FBI training camp, having just left the army. However, he had seen the colossal damage that invasion had done and the widespread death it had caused. He did think this ship looked different that the one he had seen on news footage from then, but he wasn’t going to risk it.

Julie jogged alongside him. “Where are we going?” 

“To the FBI HQ. You’ll be safe there.” Or so he hoped. He pulled out his cell with the hand not around Julie’s waist and hit the speed dial. Nadeem answered on the first ring. “Ray, are you seeing this?” 

“I am. On TV. I’m at home.” Came the terse reply. 

“Don’t come to the city – who knows what could happen.” Dex took a second to be relieved – at least Ray was sitting this one out. “I’m on my way to HQ with Julie.” 

A heavy silence indicated Ray wasn’t too pleased with that, but that he wouldn’t object. Dex and Julie were two blocks away from HQ when Ray spoke again. “After you get her there, grab as many agents as you can and set up a perimeter. Get as close as you feel is responsible and work out from there. NYPD, SHIELD and CIA are all converging, so coordinate on the ground.” Another short silence, before: “I’ve got the Director on the other line. Radio me when you get there.” 

Thirty seconds later, they burst into the doors of HQ. Agent Lim was there already, surrounded by a small group of agents, looking at a screen displaying live footage. “Poindexter! What the hell is going on!” 

Dex addressed him directly. “Grab your gear and as many agents as you can. We move out in one minute. You and you,” he pointed at two rookie agents, “stay here and coordinate with other agencies. Guard the door – if anything alien comes through, shoot to kill.” 

Agents scrambled to obey his orders. He looked at Julie as he took his vest, jacket, radio, shoulder holster with two more guns and several clips from his desk. “Stay here. I’ll get back as soon as I can.” 

For a moment, her big, frightened eyes were all he could see – then he rushed out the door with his fellow agents. 

In the short car ride over, he spoke instructions for his team into the radio over their blazing sirens and the pulsating noise that got louder and louder the closer they came. “Our priority is evacuating as many civilians as possible. If you see alien hostiles, don’t freeze, destroy the bastards!” 

When he could see that buildings in the street they were at were being impacted by the ship’s rotating motion, he directed Lim to pull over. They got out – weapons drawn – and together they started converging in the direction of the ship. Dex noted that at least here, closer to the danger, most civilians had been smart enough to run. He entered several buildings where he could see people through the windows, and gave them cover getting out.

On one of those runs – as he was guarding a blonde waitress and her friend as they ran from the scene – he saw Tony Stark’s Iron Man flying overhead whilst duking it out with an alien three times his size. He was helped by a smaller person dressed in red and blue – who, his mind supplied after a second, was called Spiderman and had been documented to be at the battle at the German airport as well. So, the Avengers – or at least some of them – were there as well. Good. 

There wasn’t much more that he could do than evacuate as many civilians as possible, and wonder where the hell the army was, or SHIELD. Weren’t they supposed to have countermeasures at the ready for precisely these situations? He had expected fighter jets to have arrived by now, or something, though it had been ten minutes at most. 

Then, as swiftly as it had appeared, the ship emitted a beam of blue light before it began to climb higher and higher – until it had left the atmosphere entirely. And with that, Dex had survived his first up close alien invasion and hadn’t even had to fire a shot.

_All I ever wanted_  
_Secrets that you keep_  
_All you ever wanted_  
_The truth I couldn't speak_  
_'Cause I can't see forgiveness_  
_And you can't see the crime_  
_And we both keep on waiting_  
_For what we left behind_

The next hours passed in a blur – Dex stopped trying to process what happened. He entered the battle ground as one of the first responders, and saw as much devastation and death as was to be expected when an alien invasion happened in one of the most populated cities in the world. He provided basic first aid wherever he could and directed people to safety whilst keeping an eye out for any remaining threats. His team found a cut off alien hand in a park, but beyond that, all aliens seemed to have gone. There was no sign of Iron Man, Spiderman or any of the other Avengers. 

He got back to HQ early in the evening – where he was immediately crushed by Julie’s small frame as she threw herself into his arms. “Oh, thank god, Dex! When you didn’t get back after it was gone, I didn’t know what to think. They wouldn’t tell me when you were getting here, and-” 

“It’s okay. I’m fine.” He wrapped his arms around her, feeling something in his core, that he previously hadn’t even noticed was off, settle. He took a deep breath, getting air laced with the scent from her shampoo into his lungs, and felt the fire in his veins recede. He only now realised he had forgotten to call her – he never had anyone worry about him entering an active situation before. His eyes found Nadeem, who stood bent over a map coordinating agents, but looked up when he felt Dex’ eyes on him. “Couldn’t you have informed her?”

Nadeem frowned. “She’s not an agent, Dex. Nor any relation to you. I’m already stretching the rules by letting her stay here. I told her you were alive.” He gave Dex a one over. “Are you injured?”

“No.” He was hungry, though. And tired. But he could keep going if he had to. “What do we know?” 

“It appears to have been a much smaller invasion than the previous one. One ship, only in New York. We don’t know why it came or what they were after. It stayed here for approximately 15 minutes before it took off again. Two humans, identities unknown, were abducted onto it, and Iron Man set off in pursuit. No word on him since.” 

While it wasn’t anything to him personally, it came across as strange that a ship would appear and not do anything else than kidnap two random humans. “Alright. Where do you need me?” 

“Take an hour, bring her home, then I want you back on the street. Tonight will probably be chaos and destruction, even if the aliens don’t return. Take your SWAT team and coordinate with NYPD. Lethal force is only authorized in self-defence.”

Dex nodded his understanding and when Nadeem turned back to his map, he looked down at Julie, who he still hadn’t let go. Loathe as he was to leave her again, he had orders. He placed a soft kiss on her forehead. “I’m going to take you home. Stay inside, keep your doors locked. I promise to check in every two hours.” 

They stopped at a grocery store before he dropped her off, stocking supplies that would last at least a few days. Dex was on high alert the entire time, keeping his gun at the ready. After ensuring Julie was home safe and had locked her door, he met up with his SWAT team and in coordination with the NYPD, took a five block square in Hell’s Kitchen to stake out. 

By the end of the night, Dex had broken up three fights, busted six lootings and awkwardly comforted one hysterical woman sobbing on the street. He did keep his promise to Julie and made sure to call every two hours – it was as much for his peace of mind to hear that she was alright as it was for hers. When he got to her apartment an hour after dawn, he found her asleep on the bed. Without a word, he took off his gear, stripped to his t-shirt and boxers, and lay down next to her. He fell into a restless sleep immediately.

_The light on the horizon_  
_Was brighter yesterday_  
_Shadows floating over_  
_Skies begin to fade_  
_You said it was forever_  
_But then it slipped away_  
_Standing at the end of_  
_The final masquerade_  
_The final masquerade_

When he woke around three in the afternoon, he immediately sat up straight when he noticed the lack of a warm body next to him. He grabbed his gun and made for the living room. “Julie?” 

Her head poked out of the kitchen door. “Yes?” 

His heartbeat slowed. “Just wondering where you were.” An unsure smile came to her face, and her eyes flickered to his hands. He realised he was still keeping his gun at the ready – in his underwear. “Sorry.” 

He went back into the bedroom and grabbed a spare jeans and shirt he kept at Julie’s place. Only after he took a few deep breaths did he walk back out into the kitchen. She was dressed and preparing what seemed to be omelettes. Concern laced her voice as she flipped one on a plate and put it with cutlery in front of him. “How are you? Hungry?”

He smiled for the first time in what felt like forever as he sat down at her small table. “Starving. But otherwise, fine.”

“You seem… calm.” She bit her lip – a gesture he knew she only made when she was uncomfortable speaking about something. 

He lifted an eyebrow as he took a bite – he really was hungry. “Is that bad? It’s just the same as any other thing. You deal with it, even when it’s really hard.”

Now, a frown appeared on her face. “Oh, don’t give me that, Dex. I am worried about you. I guess it’s not surprising you’re calm. I mean, I saw you take down three armed men without blinking, but… I mean, an alien ship appeared in the sky!” 

At least that was something he could deal with. “I’m doing fine.” 

“I know!” She threw the spatula down with a huff. “You had to work the entire night because the entire city is freaking out, I had to bar my door because you didn’t trust my neighbours not to go crazy, and there was a fucking – alien – ship – in the sky over our heads!” 

He put his fork down and focussed fully on her. “What are you really saying?” 

Another lip-bite. “I just… I don’t understand how you can be so calm. I am freaking out, and I didn’t storm into danger yesterday. I felt so useless, knowing you were out there and there was nothing I could do to help.” She closed her eyes with a tired sigh. “And now you are here, all calm and quiet, and I feel like I’m still of no use.” 

His lost the ability to breathe at the thought of her being at the scene yesterday – no, it was alright. She was here. She was here. He got up and murmured softly. “You are helping me. The thought of you safe in here kept me focussed last night. I know I can to stay on the straight and narrow because you guide me, Julie.”

She buried her face into his chest for a second, before tilting her head up, claiming his lips in a desperate kiss. He let her take the lead until the white light in his chest got so hot he had to act – he pushed her back against the wall and devoured her mouth. She whimpered and he was suddenly ravenous-

His cell phone rang – pulling him back into his head. Dex took a step back, leaving Julie against the wall, panting.

He needed to take another step back before he could clear his throat and answer. The caller id flashed up ‘Foggy Nelson’. “Hello?”

“Poindexter.” Murdock’s gruff voice came. “We need to talk.”

Dex mentally sighed. His day would already be long enough without Murdock in it, especially with Murdock interrupting a moment with Julie. Though it was unnecessary for the man to call him using Nelson's phone - Dex would have assumed he wouldn't call unless it was an emergency. “What do you want?”

“I found out something about Vanessa’s next steps. She means to take advantage of the chaos from yesterday to move ahead.”

After Fisk had gone, as well as most of the mob bosses and their high level enforcers, plus corruptible FBI agents – some of whom had been in pockets of the mob before ending up in Fisk’s – Dex could breathe much more freely, no longer drowning. Now, the water came back with a rush – his eyes flashed up to Julie. She was looking at him, lips swollen deliciously red but with a worried look in her eyes. He took a breath. “Alright, let’s meet up.”

“16th Canal place.” And Murdock cut the line without another word.

“Asshole.” Dex grumbled. He stepped closer to Julie, but she held up a hand in a classic ‘stop’ motion. He stilled immediately. “Are you okay?”

A husky laugh. “Yes. Just need a minute to catch my breath.” She took a deep breath, exhaled and then looked him straight in the eye. “Okay, what’s going on?”

Dex still stood at the spot she motioned him to halt. He fidgeted briefly before answering – he didn’t want to worry her, but he had promised to tell her the truth. “That was Murdock. He thinks Marianna is up to something. He wants to meet to discuss our strategy.”

She frowned. “Do you trust him?” She was thinking, no doubt in his mind, about the last time he was with Murdock, when the man had beat him unconscious. 

“No. But I trust her even less. We need to get ahead of whatever she's planning.” He felt frustrated with the situation, but there was nothing for it. The enemy of my enemy, and all that. 

“Okay,” Julie nodded. “Let me get my bag and then we can go.”

‘Get her bag’ - what? “I'm going alone.” He could see the determination building in her face, so he hastened to explain. “It could be dangerous, Julie. I don't want you near him.”

“I’ve been around Murdock lots of times. Besides, shouldn’t I get a say? Vanessa made her threats against me.” 

A hint of fire - “Don’t remind me.” 

“I’m coming, Dex.” She started to make her way to the door - his hand shot to her elbow. The whole scene was eerily familiar to the disastrous end to their dinner at the restaurant, all those weeks ago. The only difference, this time when he grabbed her, she showed no fear. Rather, her eyes softened as he rubbed his thumb on her elbow.

Dex needed a minute to process all the emotions flashing through him. “Counter proposal. I promise to call you before we make any decisions, okay? Julie, please.”

And unlike the night in the restaurant, she nodded. “Alright.” 

He gathered his weapon and badge from the bedroom - while he would like to wear his SWAT gear when meeting with Daredevil again, he wasn't going on official FBI business, exactly.

“I will be back soon. We can get dinner before I go out again tonight?” It still thrilled him that she agreed every time. Now he could sit at the table with her, rather than look at her through his scope. He placed a soft kiss on her lips, before walking out the door.

_The final masquerade_  
_Standing at the end of the final masquerade_

When he got to 16th Canal Place, he could see Daredevil standing on the roof. Rather than looking for an inside stairs, he used the fire escape. “What is it with you and rooftops?” He asked by way of greeting, stopping in the middle of the roof a good 20 yards away from Daredevil.

“It’s easier to hear threats coming from higher up. Heard you coming from three blocks away,” came Daredevil’s serious reply. Dex filed that information away for later - if Murdock’s hearing was better than average, it could also be used against him. Should he ever need it.

“So what's Marianna’s plan?” Dex didn’t feel like pretending to be polite.

“You’re standing on it. There’s an old freezer here, which currently occupies the bodies of six mob hitmen that were not taken in by the FBI. She's planning to do the same thing as Fisk wanted – become the only player in town, before taking over.”

“You should have let me kill her.” Dex growled.

“She hasn’t-” Murdock abruptly fell silent - Dex was instantly on alert. He drew his gun and did a quick sweep of his surroundings, but saw nothing out of the ordinary. No threats were apparent, they were surrounded by empty buildings.

“Aargh… What is happening?” Murdock grabbed his head with both his hands, as if he were losing his mind.

“What ís happening?” Dex was confused and, even though he would never admit it, slightly concerned for the man. 

“People are screaming - everyone… Something terrible…” Murdock staggered to his knees. 

Dex ran to the edge of the rooftop, and looked out over the block. What he saw was almost unfathomable. People were literally turning to dust in front of his eyes - disappearing into nothingness as if they never existed.

Deep, unadulterated fear coursed through Dex. What the hell was going on? He looked back at Daredevil, before glancing to his own body. Nothing was happening. He didn’t feel differently, nor could he see his own body disappearing.

Before Dex could think more on this, he was startled by a loud crash, followed by even more crashes. Cars started to collide in the street, hitting walls, other cars or pedestrians as their drivers turned to dust. In the distance, he could see a helicopter plummeting to the ground. He could only conclude those people were all disappearing as well.

While he couldn’t understand the ‘how’ of what was going on, the tactical, combat-hardened part of his brain made a few quick deductions about the ‘what’ that he could oversee. Firstly, the disappearances didn’t affect everyone. He and Daredevil were fine, and he could see others on the streets alive as well. Second, there seemed to be no pattern to it - young, old, rich, poor, gender, ethnicity - all random. Thirdly, as quickly as it had started, it stopped. A few minutes had passed and no more people were scattering to the wind like leaves. 

Now it was just panic and mass hysteria on the streets. People came running out of their houses, either crying for help, or praying, or cursing. He hoped Julie had stayed inside… Julie. His mind was finally catching up to what his senses were telling him. Random people had disappeared - what if..?

He grabbed his phone, hit speed dial and waited. “Come on, pick up…” 

“Hi, you’ve reached Julie Barnes. I can’t come-” When her voice sounded he was relieved for two seconds, before he realised it was just the pre-recorded message of her voicemail. 

“No… No-no-no-no!” The familiar loud buzzing filled his ears again – Julie couldn’t be… dead? Disappeared into dust? Whatever happened to the other people, she had to be fine. She had to be. He dialled again, but this time there wasn’t even the sound of her voicemail, just static over the line. He could feel the water rushing in to drown him.

_The light on the horizon_  
_Was brighter yesterday_  
_Shadows floating over_  
_Skies begin to fade_  
_You said it was forever_  
_But then it slipped away_  
_Standing at the end of_  
_The final masquerade_

“Dex!” Murdock’s pained voice was accompanied by a fist to his shoulder. Then the fist opened and became a lifeline as Murdock gripped him tight. “We need to go down – we need to help-“

On auto-pilot, Dex made his way down the fire escape. Once on the street, the noise and the cries became much louder, and he could see Daredevil wince several times. He saw several people bleeding, injured by crashed cars and falling construction materials from a nearby home renovation. He noticed Murdock pull someone from under a car, but he shut it out. For once, he chose to lose himself in his own head – there was nothing that mattered now except getting home. Getting to her. 

“Poindexter,” Murdock’s terse voice sounded. “You need to focus.” 

Dex shook his head. “Julie… She… I left her alone. I left her and-”

The visible lower half of Murdock’s face softened. “She might be fine. People are…” He visibly swallowed, “crying out for their loved ones. So lots of people are still here. She might be okay.”

She had to be. Dex’ mind wouldn’t accept any other scenario.

Dex’ car had been hit by another car and didn’t look to be functional anymore, but the car from under which Murdock had just pulled the bleeding man was empty – except for the dust on the driver’s seat and the right backseat. He ignored Murdock calling out his name as he stalked over. With a careless brush, he wiped the driver’s seat clean and turned on the ignition. 

Murdock’s hand shot out through the open window onto the steering wheel. “Poindexter, we need to think. We need a plan.”

“What we.” Dex turned the wheel, but Murdock held tight. 

“You know we need to work together. By tonight, half the city – or what’s left of it – will have gone crazy. We need to find… our people, and regroup.”

As much as Dex just wanted to ignore him, he knew that Daredevil was right. If – no, when – he found Julie, he’d need all the backup he could get to keep her safe. Other people he trusted, Ray and Lim – if they were still alive – were either too far away or probably busy with keeping order. He didn’t care about that, really. “Where?” 

“The church,” came Murdock’s immediate reply. 

“We’ll be there before nightfall.” And with that, Dex drove off, his mind only on finding Julie. 

_Standing at the end of_  
_The final masquerade_  
_Standing at the end of_  
_The final masquerade_

When he’d get to her, he’d never let her out of his sight. He would never leave again. They never abandon each other, she had made him promise. And he had left her. He heard her voice in his head, ‘I am coming, Dex’. If only he hadn’t let her go – ‘I said, let go!’ – then she’d be here, safe with him. But it would be okay – when he got to her, they would be fine.

Yet with every street he travelled, Dex became less certain he would find Julie alive. There was just so much chaos and despair throughout the whole city – it looked like everyone had lost someone. It made sense that, because he were still here, he would have lost someone, too. Why would the world be kind to him? He was a murderer – he killed people when he was angry. Why would he get to keep someone as bright, as good as Julie? 

He had to abandon the car after two blocks – there were three crashed cars blocking the road. Rather than look for a way around, Dex stepped out of the car, gun drawn, and continued on foot. With every step he took, he could hear different people crying out, sobbing for their friends, children, parents, loved ones. 

It reminded him of the time he had been in Afghanistan after a suicide bomber had blown himself up in a busy marketplace – for a second, he was back in uniform, shouting at the man to step down seconds before he detonated the trigger. It was then that he had learned never to hesitate killing a threat, no matter what his orders may be. He had joined the snipers not long after. He couldn’t afford to lose himself in memories now. Yet when a man came up to him – screaming about the wrath of god, flailing his arms around – Dex couldn’t help but act on reflex. He aimed and shot. 

Before the man even crumpled to the ground, Dex had moved on. Julie. He had to get to Julie. His fingers dug into the grip of his gun – she might be gone, might have left him forever, just like Dr. Mercer, his parents. Even Fisk, who promised he would never abandon him, had betrayed him. For that, Dex deserted him. But it had left him just as alone as before – until Julie. Julie. He couldn’t lose her. He needed her as his North Star. Even if it was hard – ‘Being your north star makes me unsteady’ – she wouldn’t leave him. She couldn’t do that to him. But it hadn’t been up to her, had it? He heard Dr. Mercer’s voice in his head – ‘I’m not quite sure what I’ve done wrong’. Julie could have left him without doing anything, just… gone.

He could picture it so clearly – Julie’s kind smile, her auburn hair, turning to dust. She wouldn’t have understood what was going on, being inside alone. What would he find if he got there – a pile of dust in the kitchen? Or nothing at all, it having blown out the open window? But even if she’d been with him, he just would have seen her turn to dust before his very eyes. Just that mental picture was enough to simultaneously make him unable to breathe and ignite the fire in his veins. 

He was clung on by several desperate people in the street. Even in times when no explanation could be given, people turned to one from authority figures – and his badge made him out to be one. Some people listened to his directives to get back inside and lock their doors, others ignored him so he aimed and shot. What did it matter? His North Star was probably gone, leaving him without guidance. She wasn’t there to care anymore anyway, he could drift wherever he wanted. 

He could hear her voice whispering: ‘You don’t have a moral compass, Dex. You don’t have a heart’. It was true – he was lost without her. He felt only rage and despair course through him – feeding the fire as he was being pulled under. By the time he was in the street near her apartment, his heart was beating fast, though his hands were steady on his gun. 

He walked up the stairs where he had saved her lives so many weeks ago – where their relationship had truly started, he thought. It was ironic that now he had to climb them alone just to confirm she had died here after all. The last few flights of stairs he climbed quickly, spurred on by the fire in his blood. 

When he burst into her apartment, calling her name, there was nothing. 

She wasn’t there.

The fire burst out of him and he smashed a chair into the wall, a vase against the TV – threw everything he could reach in anger but it didn’t matter. Julie was dead and the fire burned him from the inside. He couldn’t breathe, couldn’t hear anything over the buzzing in his ears, couldn’t do anything but scream-

In the deep water, he drowned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well... That happened. Please let me know what you think, comments would be so welcome!
> 
> There is one more chapter coming: this monster was just so long I split it into two.
> 
> 'Final masquerade' from Linkin Park: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i8q8fFs3kTM


	4. When I'm gone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers for Daredevil season 3, Avengers: Infinity War and the Avengers: Endgame trailer. 
> 
> From Dex' pov, and the story deals with some pretty traumatic events, so absolutely not a safe headspace. Consider this a trigger warning: mention and thoughts of suicide, and also obsessive behaviour, codependency, and other unhealthy coping mechanisms. Read at your own discretion.
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't own Daredevil or the song 'When I'm gone' from 3 Doors Down. All rights belong to the respective owners.

_There's another world inside of me that you may never see_  
_There's secrets in this life that I can't hide_  
_Somewhere in this darkness there's a light that I can't find_  
_Maybe it's too far away, maybe I'm just blind_  
_Maybe I'm just blind_

Breathing hard and surrounded by the chaos he had created, Dex sank to the floor. There were no more tapes for him to listen to, no Julie to calm him. Only the fire in his veins while simultaneously the feeling of drowning that prevented him from breathing.

Alone… He was all alone, again.

He picked up one of the shards of broken vase and twirled it in his fingers. It looked much like the shard of glass that he had wanted to kill Marianna with, except that this was made of porcelain. It was fitting, he thought, the difference between the two – with the glass one, he hadn’t managed to kill. With the porcelain, he would.

He rolled up his sleeves, took off his watch. He wouldn’t make it quick. He would go slow, like Julie. Feel his life slipping away, as she had surely felt hers go as she faded. For a second, he hesitated, suddenly recalling their conversation about Anna Karenina: ‘only after she jumped does she realise that she made a mistake’. But this wasn’t a mistake. He had abandoned her – that had been the mistake. He had left her and now she was gone.

The familiar buzzing filled his ears again, and now he heard Dr. Mercer’s voice: ‘Death always wins, Dex.’ He put the shard on his wrist and closed his eyes. This time, there would be no one to stop him – Fisk wouldn’t call, Murdock away looking after himself, Julie… gone. Turned to dust.

He put pressure on the shard, and pain flared up. But before he could start pulling, he opened his eyes and inhaled. …Dust…

He looked around. Apart from the shards and other mess he had made in his anger, there wasn’t any of the brown dust he had seen other people turn into. The shard dropped to the floor with a clatter.

He got up quickly, and checked the windows. They were all closed, so it couldn’t have blown away. He made another round through the apartment, double checking, but saw nothing. He did see her cell phone in the bedroom, but given that there was no reception, that didn’t mean anything. Could it be… that she was still alive?

_So hold me when I'm here, right me when I'm wrong_  
_Hold me when I'm scared and love me when I'm gone_  
_Everything I am and everything in me_  
_Wants to be the one you wanted me to be_

He grabbed his gun and made for the door. It was well and truly dark out now – though the cries and chaos hadn’t abated. For a moment, he didn’t know where to look. He took a deep breath and felt his training take over. The quickest way to find someone who was missing was to try and retrace their steps. If he were Julie, what would he do?

Firstly, it would take a while for her to notice something was amiss. She had been inside, as per his request. However, when she heard the cries and crashes outside, she would have gone to help people, without question. In that sense, she was much more like Daredevil than him – only she hadn’t had any training or ways to defend herself. And now that was dark, she was in danger. His breath quickened and the fire in his veins burned – he had to find her quickly.

Looking around, Dex could see a large group of people gathered at the end of the street around a car fire. He jogged over, but none of the faces belonged to his star. The group was looking at something in the flames – Dex could smell burning flesh. Staring into the flames as well, he could see the remains of a person hanging from the smouldering seatbelt in the upside down turned car. Whoever they had been, help hadn’t come in time for them after their car had crashed. But it wasn’t Julie – she wouldn’t step into a car. Dex let the flames feed the fire on his inside, yet turned away from the wreck without feeling and jogged onwards. Julie. He needed to find Julie.

At random, he walked into a nearby alley. Could she have walked in here? There was no way to know. He could only think – maybe she was in the next street. Or the one after that. He had been jogging around aimlessly for half an hour when he heard it.

“Please, I know you’re heartbroken, but just calm down!” Some scuffling, and then; “Ah! Let go, you’re hurting me!”

He sprinted towards the sound of the voice, which came from just around the corner. And there, under the glow of a street light, Julie stood.

For a second, his vision narrowed and all he could see was her. The bright light he normally felt when he touched her appeared – creating a tidal wave of relief, coursing so strongly through him that he swayed on the spot. She was alive. She was here – and he was not alone anymore.

Then, a woman stepped in front of her, one hand on her wrist and the other threateningly raised. Her eyes were bulging out of her skull and she looked crazed. “Where is my wife! Where is she! She was with you, wasn’t she! You killed her, I know it!”

The upset woman moved to strike Julie, but she blocked her and tried to twist out of her grasp, all the while pleading; “I only want to help, I didn’t kill your wife, I don’t know what’s happening-“

The violent fire in Dex’ veins merged with the light, changing into an all-consuming white hot inferno that would not be extinguished. It was too dangerous to try and shoot, as the woman and Julie twisted around each other in their struggle. He sprinted over and in one moment where the woman overpowered Julie and held her in place, Dex struck his knife from his pocket into the woman’s exposed artery.

Blood spurted out and splattered Julie’s face and chest, but Dex didn’t care. Julie. Julie was all that he could see. She stood shaking as her assailant’s grip turned lax and fell to the ground. By that time, he was hugging her tight. He was never letting her out of his sight again.

_I'll never let you down even if I could_  
_I'd give up everything if only for your good_  
_So hold me when I'm here, right me when I'm wrong_  
_You can hold me when I'm scared you won't always be there_  
_So love me when I'm gone, love me when I'm gone_

Julie gripped him hard. “You’re alive! Dex… I was so scared… I thought… When I couldn’t reach you…” She sobbed into his chest as she did her best to disappear into him.

Dex himself felt beyond words, the inferno so hot in burned away his ability to form words. On the one hand, he wanted to keep her close and never let go. He appreciated very much that she was still trying to get closer, even though that was almost physically impossible. For a second, he let the light take over and separated them just far enough that he could claim her lips in a bruising kiss. Everything disappeared – he could only feel the white light and her searing lips on his.

But the fire came tearing back swiftly into his heart and head. It forced him open his eyes and focus on every threat in his surroundings. They stood in the middle of the street, out in the open and vulnerable. He couldn’t see the threats surrounding her if he stayed this close.

Reluctantly, Dex took a step back. Under the streetlight, he could see the tears that streaked her face and the redness of her lips, calling him. The blood on her cheek stood in stark contrast to the paleness of her tear-streaked skin. Knowing he shouldn’t, knowing that he should keep an eye out for threats, Dex gave into temptation once more and his lips followed the path his eyes had already tracked. This time however, the white light did not take over. If anything, the white hot flames burned brighter, burning away any traces of other people. In his head the voice of Dr. Mercer – speaking about his North Star – quieted, and he could only hear the buzzing.

When Julie stepped back, her eyes filled with unshed tears, he couldn’t look away. “You saved me.” Her voice was filled with a wonder and awe he wasn’t sure he deserved.

“Always.” He vowed darkly. His hands find their way to the familiar spot on her cheek, and he brushed the tears and blood away softly. He would - she had saved him first, and he would always be following her guidance, never wavering from her side.

However, he could feel something had changed within him – he had become more focussed on her, like he never lost sight of his target. He felt both more unhinged and more like himself than ever. “We need to get someplace safe. I agreed with Murdock to meet at the church, and we plan from there.”

“…Matt? Dex, what the hell happened? The whole city has turned crazy!” Julie’s voice breaks. “So many people… I didn’t see what it was, but everyone was on the street, ashes everywhere…”

Dex didn’t know how to explain it, so he simply stated: “I’m sure we’ll hear soon enough, now we just need to get to safety. You saw how things got after the alien ship – tonight will be worse. We need to get to a defensible location. Murdock and I will be able to keep you safe.” He pressed a kiss to her forehead. “I won’t lose you again.”

They started to make for the church, forced to walk as traffic is still impossible with the blocked roads. Dex was on hyper alert, his eyes darting between Julie, who he directed to walk two steps diagonally ahead of him. This way, he could see all around her, give her cover and still have her within arm’s reach. While he would have preferred having an additional fighter on point, he was confident in his ability to strike anyone from this range who came too close.

Dex was proven correct three blocks down, when they came across four men barely out of their teens. They were clearly drunk. “Heyyy, look at this hot piece of ass! Looks like some of the good looking ones made it through, boys!” The stockiest one shouted, his voice thick from drinking.

Dex could see Julie cringe and shy back towards him, as the boys started making their way across the street. The inferno in his chest became impossibly hotter. Before the group or Julie could even comprehend what was happening, he grabbed his gun and shot four times.

Julie’s scream pierced the darkness. Dex wrapped his left arm around her while she continued to scream, his gun still in his raised right hand. “You’re okay, you’re safe. No one will ever hurt you, I promise…”

_When your education x-ray cannot see under my skin_  
_I won't tell you a damn thing that I could not tell my friends_  
_And roaming through this darkness I'm alive but I'm alone_  
_Part of me is fighting this but part of me is gone_

Dex kept his guard up all the way to the church, though Julie crossly insisted that they would be okay. She was still upset over the incident with the four drunk boys, even though they’d been walking for twenty minutes. Dex disagreed with her about the necessity of force. They clearly had been a threat. Julie insisted that pepperspray would have sufficed, that she didn’t want anyone getting hurt or killed because of her.

“When I said I would kill anyone who meant to harm you, I meant it,” was Dex’ angry reply. He hadn't meant to be angry with her, but it burned so hotly within him that it just came out After, conversation staggered to a stop. Dex felt the anger simmering in his chest even hotter, disliking that he and Julie were disagreeing. However, she didn’t seem to understand the level of the threat, and so he had to protect her.

When they reached the church, Dex entered first, scanning quickly for threats before opening the door wider and letting Julie enter. It was empty save for Murdock and Nelson. Dex immediately connected the dots – Page, and possibly father Lantom, sister Maggie and the girlfriend Nelson sometimes mentioned, who were also on Murdock’s short list, must have perished. Dusted, or killed in the mayhem afterwards.

Murdock didn’t look so good himself, he could see as they walked closer. He was sitting on one of the church benches, with Nelson leaning over him with a concerned look on his face, mumbling soft reassurances.

“Nelson, what’s wrong with Murdock?” Dex kept his gun at the ready – just because he couldn’t see threats, didn’t mean they weren’t there. Especially with Murdock apparently out of operation, it would come down to him. Shame Page wasn’t here – she was the only other one of their impromptu group who could handle a gun.

Nelson’s voice was filled with concern when he spoke. “Matt… He can hear all the voices in the neighbourhood crying out, hurting. It hurts him.” Then, turning to Murdock: “Matt, I know it’s hard, but snap out of it. I need you.”

Julie looked around. “Foggy, Karen…?”

Nelson’s eyes filled with tears, as Murdock groaned as if in physical pain. “She… There was only dust… I don’t…”

“Oh, no… I’m so sorry…” Julie made to hug him, but Dex blocked her path. Foggy was right next to Murdock – it wasn’t safe. Julie however, batted his hand away and hugged Nelson anyway. Dex stomped down the stab of jealousy as he kept his gun trained on Murdock.

He had to keep her safe.

_So hold me when I'm here, right me when I'm wrong_  
_Hold me when I'm scared and love me when I'm gone_  
_Everything I am and everything in me_  
_Wants to be the one you wanted me to be_

The blazing hot inferno in Dex’ chest didn’t lessen now that they were in a supposedly safe location. He had led their little group up to the organ on the second floor. He had noticed the last time he had entrenched himself there, that there was a room there with thick walls and one exit. It was the best location in the church, with them having so few fighters. Nelson had half dragged, half carried Murdock there, who appeared to be out for that count. To compensate, Dex had given Nelson a gun – the soft looking lawyer had looked determined, though his hands shook as he accepted. 

Dex went to do a quick scout of the perimeter. No one else was at the church – but there were too many entry points for his comfort, and that could change any moment. He needed to get Julie to a more defensible location before he could rest.

When he circled back to their small group, Murdock looked marginally better. Dex realised that the organ space was better soundproofed to protect the hearing of the organ player from being deafened by his own playing – in this case that seemed to help Murdock.

Foggy and Julie were speaking in low tones about the events of the day – perhaps if it was connected to the spaceship that had appeared, it had affected only New York. Some sort of alien virus, or something? From their confused faces, Dex deduced that they weren’t that successful in their speculations of what the hell happened. Murdock staggered to his feet on his arrival.

Julie looked up, too, and smiled when she saw him (she was the only one). “Dex! Everything okay?”

She moved and slotted herself under to his side. He wrapped his arm around her, but kept his eyes on Murdock. Only when the other nodded at him and turned his attention to Foggy, did he look at Julie and kissed the top of her head. “All clear. No one around, but we can’t stay here. Too hard to defend.” He added at her non-comprehending look.

Julie sighed but didn’t press the matter. Instead, it was Foggy who spoke up. “So where will we go?”

Dex had to admit that was a good question – where was safe? He didn’t know how far the chaos – how far the dusting – had spread. It was possible it had occurred in a much larger area. It was simply impossible to know without a working telephone, internet or television.

One thing he did know, however. “We should go someplace without a lot of people. We have to leave New York. Go to the countryside, disappear into the woods.”

“No.” It was the first word Murdock spoke since Dex and Julie had joined them, but his voice was clear and decided. “We can’t leave. I will not abandon Hell’s Kitchen now that it needs me.”

“Matt…” Foggy sounded uncertain. “We don’t even know what happened. For all we know, it is some kind of virus and staying here could kill us. Then we’re no good to anyone.”

“I won’t leave, Foggy. We’ve already lost… Karen.” He visibly swallowed. “I won’t let anyone else die.”

“And I won’t let Julie stay in danger here. People on the street are already turning on each other. We need to protect ourselves first.” Dex argued, his veins burning.

“Dex, we need to stay.” Julie’s soft voice stood in sharp contrast to the angry male voices. “You’re FBI, Matt’s Daredevil. People need you.”

“Julie… You need to be safe. Tonight when I thought…” Dex was sucked back into those horrible moments when he knew she was gone. The buzzing started to fill his ears again, but Julie placed her hands on his face, breathing with him.

“I’m here, Dex. I know I’ll be safe as long as I’m with you – here or anywhere. I just think people need you here, and I don’t want to be the one taking you away from where you should be.” She placed a soft kiss on his lips, and Dex leaned into her touch, relaxing his tense shoulders for the first time in what felt like hours.

He turned to Murdock. “So where do you suggest we go?” He wasn’t saying they could stay, but he was willing to hear the other man out.

Murdock appeared to mull on this. “We need someplace defensible. Somewhere high up, preferably. Close to supermarkets and such, for supplies.”

Dex didn’t like to think it, but Murdock was arguing his case quite well. It was possible they needed to fend for themselves for a long time – if the dusting had happened over a larger area, then who knew how long it would take before help would get to them. Out in the middle of the woods, that would be harder.

Suddenly, it dawned on him. The others wouldn’t like it, but… “I know where to go – the most defensible place in the city. Fisk’s penthouse.”

_I'll never let you down even if I could_  
_I'd give up everything if only for your good_  
_So hold me when I'm here, right me when I'm wrong_  
_You can hold me when I'm scared, you won't always be there_  
_So love me when I'm gone_

Dex hated being back in the penthouse – this was the place he broke a promise to Julie, from where Fisk manipulated him into killing the reporters at the Bulletin. However, none of that mattered if Julie was safe here.

As he did a quick sweep of the penthouse – trusting Murdock, who seemed to have composed himself, to keep watch over Julie – the hidden monitoring room revealed one small pile of dust. Marianna’s? It was impossible to say. Dex found himself hoping that it was – one less thing for them to worry about. He was sure to keep that to himself, however, when he gave the all clear to the other three.

By now, it was just hours before dawn, and he could see the fatigue and all the events from the day wearing on Julie. Dex himself felt like he would burn on forever, though rationally he knew he would need to rest. So, after he had convinced Julie to stay in the bedroom on top of the stairs, directed Murdock and Nelson to the couches below, he positioned himself in front of the bedroom door and closed his eyes.

The next three days passed in a blur – Dex and Murdock made several raids on supermarkets and even a nearby outdoor store, as the heat and gas had stopped working after the first day and they needed to use bunsen burners for cooking. Thankfully, the hotel appeared to have its own backup generators, and they still had electricity.

Unexpectedly, he and Murdock seemed to be of a similar mind on much of their choices now - Foggy and Julie needed to stay inside, stay safe, whilst they provided supplies. Foggy and Julie needed to sleep in the bedroom, whilst they covered the exits. Dex did his utmost to shield Julie from the outside world, from pain, from anything, and to his surprise, she let him without complaint. Perhaps she could sense how fragile the hold on the inferno in his chest was, or perhaps she was just afraid to step out. If the latter was the case, Dex wouldn’t blame her.

After three days of this, however, Nelson snapped. “Matt, that's enough,” as he refused to move to a seat further away from the door at Murdock's request. “I'm not helpless - we're a team, remember! Stop coddling me!”

“I'm not!” Murdock's guilty face wasn't very convincing, though. 

“Yes, you are! Me and Julie don't need to stay locked up here, we can help. Please, I want to help you…” Dex had been determined to stay out of it and focus on sharpening knives he had found in the kitchen, but at the mention of Julie's name, he looked up almost involuntarily to gauge her reaction. To his relief, she appeared calm as she sat across from him, cleaning the knives he had sharpened. 

“Foggy, don't you see? Staying safe inside is the only way we can help them.” Dex thought back to the conversation they'd had in her kitchen, days ago, before the dusting. ‘The thought of you safe in here kept me focussed last night.’ He was glad he had gotten through to her then, and he was glad for it now. Unable to stop himself, he smiled at her and was rewarded with a small smile in return. 

Nelson, however, scoffed and he turned to Julie. “Oh, come on. How can doing nothing be the best thing? We need to get out there - help! We need to see what's going on. I mean, we don't even know what's happened with the- the dusting! There could be people who need us - or people who could help us! Just sitting on your ass all day and letting other people sort out the problem makes you no better than-”

Murdock's concerned “Foggy, don't!” interrupted him as much as Dex’ growl of “Watch it, Nelson.” Dex had a pretty good idea of which name the lawyer had been about to drop, and he wouldn't let Julie be compared to that vile woman. Not Julie, who was kind and good and everything Marianna was not.

To his credit, Nelson immediately backtracked. “Sorry. I didn't mean… I'm just so frustrated not knowing anything!”

Dex glanced to Murdock in silent warning. The thing was, the two of them had a good idea of the state of the city - total anarchy. They had come across multiple gangs, looters, and other scum on their trips outside. They had also worked together to remove all other inhabitants from the six floors below theirs - from which the penthouse could be accessed via a special staircase, which thus presented a soft spot in their defence - and ran patrols to keep ensuring they remained empty. Dex had argued clearing the whole building, but Murdock objected, stating that he would only take the measures necessary for Foggy's safety, and no more. However, he had agreed to keep all this from Foggy and Julie, for their peace of mind. 

Before Murdock could ruin things, however, Julie exclaimed: “Foggy, look!”

They all turned to where she was pointing - the tv. For the last four days, it had been turned on, volume muted, with every channel only displaying static. Dex knew that when he and Murdock were out, Foggy and Julie had tried to see if there was any way to gather information from inside: checking the internet connection, and tv- and radio signals. They even spent an entire afternoon learning Morse code. They had insisted that the tv was kept on, even though it only displayed static and frequently turned itself off, when the hotel’s generator faltered.

Now however, the television showed the image of Captain America and Black Widow in some sort of newsroom. They both looked battle worn and weary. Foggy grabbed the remote and pressed the volume button, and suddenly, Captain America’s voice sounded through the hotel. It was a strange sensation, to be in contact with the rest of the world all of a sudden again, but Dex would worry about that later - first, he had to focus on what the man was saying. 

“...don’t know how many of you will be able to receive this broadcast, but we owe the world an explanation for what happened five days ago. As many will know, an alien ship appeared over New York, kidnapping two of earth’s defenders and Iron Man set off in pursuit. They were working for a titan called Thanos. He had as his goal to wipe out half of the life in the universe. The Avengers and our allies met him in battle when he appeared in Wakanda. We we unsuccessful in stopping the threat.” Here, Captain America stopped talking, and seemed unable to continue. 

Black Widow took over. “Thanos did exactly as he said he was going to do - he wiped out fifty percent of all living creatures. On Earth, and possibly throughout the universe.”

After a few seconds, Captain America seemed to have regained the ability to speak. “We lost. All of us. We lost friends, we lost family, we lost part of ourselves. This is the fight of our lives. Now is the time to come together and protect what is left. I wish you all the very best of luck.”

The transmission cut off, but they all continued to stare mutely at the television. A sharp pain in his hands made Dex realise he had clenched his hands so tightly into fists his nails had pierced his own skin, and blood was dripping to the floor. 

So, that was it. Finally an explanation, even though it made very little sense to him. An alien wanted to kill half the universe, and had apparently managed to do so from Wakanda? Dex’ head was reeling. 

But more pressing for now wasn't what had happened, but what was going to. Or rather, not going to. Captain America wished them all 'the best of luck’? Dex could translate that message - no help was coming. Maybe all people they could depend on are dusted, or those that are still there are busy looking after themselves.

Dex finally turned away from the TV and looked to the one person that always drew his attention - Julie. Suddenly he felt the additional responsibility of looking out for Julie – seeing as how apparently no one else would. ‘The time to come together’? Dex mentally shook his head - he'd protect Julie and didn’t care about the rest.

_Maybe I'm just blind_  
_So hold me when I'm here, right me when I'm wrong_  
_Hold me when I'm scared and love me when I'm gone_  
_Everything I am and everything in me_  
_Wants to be the one you wanted me to be_

Over the course of the next days, Dex slipped out more and more in his red Daredevil suit. The number of people he hurt and killed rose at a commensurate rate. He knew he should feel guilty for lying to Julie about what he was doing - his excuse was that it became harder to find food - but he didn’t. In truth, he was just doing what was necessary to keep her safe. These extreme measures were called for - even Murdock kept silent about them, so he must agree. 

On the evening of their ninth day in the penthouse, however, Julie requested he join her in the bedroom. “It's the only place we can talk privately,” she explained looking at Murdock, no doubt wondering if that's true, or if the man can hear them through the walls. 

Murdock smiled faintly and stood up. “I'll go get some supplies, give you some privacy.”

They left Foggy on the couch fiddling with a pair of walkie talkies, and as soon as the door behind them closed, Julie moved in on him and gave him a passionate kiss. 

Taken aback slightly, it took Dex’ brain a few seconds to get with the programme - before he kissed her back with equal fire. He missed her as soon as she stepped back. 

“Sorry, that's not why I asked you here,” she blushed. She moved to sit on the edge of the bed, and he is thrown back to their convenience in the motel after Murdock's phone call. She has the same defeated slump in her shoulders now.

“Dex, I want to ask you something, and I need you to promise to tell me everything. Don't hold anything back because you need to spare me, or to keep me safe. Alright?”

Dread filled him - what would she want to know? And more importantly - would she still love him after he told her the truth of the things he did outside? But looking at her, Dex knew he had to be honest - he owed her that. Had promised to always come to her with everything. “I promise.”

Julie took a deep breath. “What do you do to keep us safe and alive, out there?” 

“Whatever is necessary. What I promised to do.” He could see the colour leave her cheeks as she thought back to his dark vow in the motel.

“Oh, Dex… Why didn't you tell me?”

“You didn't want to know.” He hadn't wanted to burden her, but she also hadn't asked.

Julie bit her lip. Her chin was trembling - was she holding back tears? “I'm so sorry Dex... I thought that by keeping myself out of the way I was helping you. That I was being strong by not telling you how lost I was. But you needed me there. And I wasn't. I just couldn't. I was scared and I… I…” 

Real tears formed in her eyes now, and soon rolled down her cheeks. Dex’ eyes followed their path all the way down to where they dripped on her shirt. He had vowed to protect her, but had failed to protect her against herself, against the only way she had been able to cope with the madness. He took her hands in his. The white hot fire in his chest fuelled his anger at the world, his hatred for those who had let it down and caused all this trouble. 

“Please don't apologise. You didn't do anything wrong. What's happening now is not something that anyone should be dealing with - it's not fair of me to ask you to be... To be there for me before you are there for you.”

His thoughts went back to her confession, now already months ago: ‘It’s just harder than I thought, being your north star. It makes me… unsteady.’ Perhaps he should have done this sooner, but there was no point in regretting the past. So Dex moved in to kiss her now, to make her feel loved, steady.

He pulled back slightly to take a breath and, perhaps unconsciously, she mimicked him. “Julie, no longer. I promised to come to you for guidance, and you promised to be there. But... I could be your north star as you are mine. I promise, I won't ever let you be lost again. We will find our way together...”

The look she gave him was everything, and they didn't leave the bed for the rest of the night.

_I'll never let you down even if I could_  
_I'd give up everything if only for your good_  
_So hold me when I'm here, right me when I'm wrong_  
_You can hold me when I'm scared, you won't always be there_  
_So love me when I'm gone_

Julie, and thus Nelson, too, start to accompany them on their runs outside. It fanned the inferno inside Dex to see her try to not react to the horrors they encountered - but he forced himself not to react. He had promised her - together.

He and Daredevil had broken up several fights over the past week, but the first time it happened with Julie present, she went against all his instructions and walked closer to the two bleeding men after he forced them apart, one if whom is still holding a loaf of bread despite the beating he had taken.

She addressed the man with the loaf. “Are you alright? What happened?”

Perhaps it was her kind tone that compelled him to answer, but it probably helped that Dex was glaring from where he's standing behind Julie, alert and ready to step in if the guy stepped out of line. The man mumbled, “Fucker tried to steal my food.” 

“I see,” Julie said as she turned to the other one. “And what do you think?” 

This one didn't even dare to look at her, Dex standing slightly closer to him, and muttered his response to the sidewalk: “I'm hungry.”

And despite his best intentions, he couldn't protect her from this. From the harsh reality they now lived in. But she surprised him once again, as she spoke: “I understand. We have food that we can share with you. Just promise not to hurt people anymore, not when we can provide for both of you.”

Dex felt uncomfortable with this - how could she agree to take on these idiots, when they were already having trouble looking out for themselves? But the more he thought about it, the more he realised - this was who she was. She had helped him, even though she barely knew him, when he needed it. He mentally sighed - looked like they were stuck with this men - she wouldn’t give up on them, and he would stand by her, no matter what. He offered the men his hand, and helped them upright. “Come on, our base is this way.” 

He and Murdock took point, as usual, discussing this development softly. Unsurprisingly, Murdock was totally on board in helping those less fortunate. Foggy, Dex realised, had already started an amicable conversation with the supposed bread thief. He and Murdock decided to house the men two floors below them, in the empty six floors of the building. This way, Murdock would hear them coming if the ever decided to get up to the penthouse, but also they would be close enough if trouble broke out. 

The men had access to the outside, as Murdock, Nelson and Julie agreed that there wouldn’t be a ‘prison’ in their building - but that led to its own trouble. Two days after they had agreed to take in the first two people, four more showed up - relatives of the first one. 

Dex sighed a long suffering sigh, and he began to set some rules for peaceful cohabitation on the six floors below them. However, it wasn’t his rules that forced everyone into cooperation. No, it was Foggy’s and Julie’s charm - people listened to them because they wanted to. Because they believed that the two kindest people they had ever met, were on their side. And because they were afraid he would come down hard on anyone who even dared to upset Julie - which was true. 

When their first month in the penthouse was at an end, they had stashed people in neighbouring buildings as well, and had put in place a strict martial law. They ruled Hell’s Kitchen from Fisk’s former penthouse, and Dex chose not to think about the parallels between them and the penthouse’s former occupants. 

_Love me when I'm gone, whoa_  
_Love me when I'm gone, when I'm gone_  
_When I'm gone, when I'm gone_

Dex did notice that over the course of the month, Julie had become more and more quiet. One night, when it was just the two of them in the bedroom, he stood in front of her. In the ultimate sign of trust, he buried his head in her neck and kissed her softly. 

“Are you alright?”

Julie didn’t pretend anymore to not know what he is talking about, or that everything was fine. They are both too weary, too beaten down for that. “I don’t know,” she spoke softly. “At first I was optimistic about humanity facing this challenge, but I think I’m becoming darker. The light I felt in me is gone. Even our relationship, it changed so much over such a short span of time…” 

He hesitated for a second. “You remember… When I asked you to help me, you said you would but that I shouldn't make you regret it. Do you?” He hated how breakable his voice sounded.

Julie thought for a moment. “You mean aside from the fact that I probably wouldn't be alive now if it wasn't for you? No, Dex, I don't. This entire… thing between us, plus everything that has happened, has changed my life. Changed me. Don't think it was for the better, but it's made me stronger. Harder…”

She closed her eyes. “You know, sometimes I think I've fallen off the path, off the straight and narrow I was supposed to help you stay on. And it seems that even if I wanted, I cannot get back to the North. I need you now more than ever – and that that might be why I’m letting you get away with all the violence, the killing... I don't know what that means anymore to be good. I'm just… straying, lost...” 

Tears pool in her eyes as she opened them again and found his. “I hope you can forgive me for that.”

Like he's done so many times, he knelt in front of her, placed his hand on her cheek. The inferno inside him burns brighter still - bright enough to make up for the darkness spreading inside her, he thought. “Julie, I will stray anywhere with you.”

Together, they lose themselves in the fire.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, done! It's taken me a bit longer to finish than I had hoped, so thank you for still reading this last chapter. Any comments would be very welcome! 
> 
> When I'm gone from 3 Doors Down: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pFq1eT9tMJ4


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